Three Years

It's been 3 years since I began blogging to heal from all my losses. What started as a place to pour out my pain and tears has become a place to reflect, create, and explore. Even though the pain is mostly gone, I continue to use this blog:

- to reflect on how the past continues to affect and imbue my present spirit and actions.
- to create, using my talents and the inspiration I receive from others.
-To explore who and where I am, while continuing to move towards my dreams and discover who I am yet to be.

Thanks to all of you who stop here along your own personal roads of discovery, for you have all become part of me in one way or another.

Hot Damm!

Scene takes place at a local café, while I’m talking for a few minutes with another mom during children’s storytime.

Me: “Is it hot in here or is it me?”

A Mom: “It IS a bit warm in here. But you’re also drinking hot latte. [Touching my forhead] You don’t have a fever.” 

Me: “Man… I’m so hot I want to take off my shirt and go bury my chest in the snow”

A Mom: [blinks and looks away, not knowing what to say]

Me: “Sorry, that was too much information, wasn’t it?

------------------- an hour later-------------------

Scene takes place on the street; it’s 20F and the wind chill makes it feels like 11F. I’ve bumped into my babysitter’s mom, Jenny, who was a Dr. in South America. While talking with her I begin opening my coat, removing my scarf, taking off my gloves and finally my hat.

Jenny: “Aren’t you cold? It’s freezing out here.”

Me: “No… I’m actually kinda hot.” 

Jenny: “How many layers of clothing do you have on?” [I’m known for my layering. Tammi doesn’t know this but when I met her for dinner I had wool/cashmere blend tights, a pair of leggings under a pair of corduroy pants. Over all my clothing I wore my Michelin style, full-length (sub-zero) down coat.]

Me: I’m wearing just 2 light shirts and 2 pants under my down coat. [I remove my coat to show her.]

Jenny: Let me see… [touches my forhead], you don’t have a fever. [she asks lots of medical questions, which I answer]. Hmm, you’re too young to be going through the change.

Me: What change?

Jenny: You know…the change [she says frowning at me for not getting her meaning.]

Me: What change?

Jenny: The…. change [she says speaking slowly as if talking to a retarded child].

Me: “Who’s on first?”

Jenny: “What?....”

Me: “What’s on second.”

Jenny: “What are you talking about?” [she’s got major frowning action going on now].

Me: “I don’t know [“he’s on 3rd”]. I have no idea what YOU”RE talking about.”

Jenny: “Well it doesn’t matter because you’re too young to be going through it anyway.”

Me: “Well, thank you for that non-diagnosis, Dr!”

Jenny: [She laughs, but I’m wondering if she really understands my sense of humor.]

------------------- 2 hours later-------------------

Scene takes place in my kitchen. As I wrestle with dinner options I call my blog-bro _Jon..

Me: "Jon, can I ask you a question about your wife’s chemo treatment? Do you mind?" 

Jon: "Not at all. What do you want to know?" 

Me: "I’m having insane cravings: Today I bought anchovies, feta cheese and olives for my dinner. Did she ever get cravings for foods like that?" 

Jon: "Yep, she had some pretty strange requests." 

Me: "Okay, I’m glad to know it’s not just me." 

Jon: "No, it’s not just you. Oh by the way, she also had some major hot flashes." 

Me: "Oh. My. God… I thought I was either going crazy or there was something seriously wrong with me. How did you know I needed to know that?" 

Jon: "I just figured you did because it’s all part of the chemotherapy."

Me: "Oh, I can’t believe it… so that’s what’s been going on?" [I momentarily think about sharing how I wanted to take off my clothes and bury my chest in the snow earlier, but the look of that mom’s face came back to me, so I spared him. Some things are better left unsaid.]

Lucky for me I have this blog, so I can remind myself – it’s the chemo stupid – if I forget!

Jon, one more question. Is insomnia also part of this? It's 3:00am and I'm still not yet sleepy.

Playing Cyrano - A Man's Post

For the past 48 hrs. I've been writing little notes, leaving text or voice mail messages, letting some of the incredible people in my life know that I care about them and that they are much loved. In return I have received a number of requests (a total of 5 in the last 48hrs) from my guys (deployed soldiers I correspond with) who have asked me for help in writing to their wives/girlfriends/loves, letting them know they are loved. They are looking for the perfect letter. I was hoping my previous post in which Daz'd wrote a poem to his wife would be enough. But they don't want poetry because it's not them.

When I wrote back to the first few, they essentially replied they needed "a sample" or something to go on for inspiration, because love letters were "out of their area of expertise". Hmmmm, I know what that feels like, when you struggle to say the right thing to someone not knowing if you've said it well because your emotions are all jammed up inside.

Sooooo, I'm thinking this is a post my wonderful male readers can help with. If you don't want to be recognized you can send an email to: lettersfromnyc [at] yahoo [dot] com with your "sample" note or letter. It will not only help these men, it will also counter some of the negative vibes the cynics of the blogosphere have been spreading. So, I hope you help your fellow man and guide these young ones in the way of love, and in so doing show women out there that some of you know how to sweep a lady off her feet when you put your mind to it!

I asked one of my incredibly talented and most wonderful blog brother Jon, to help some of these men out, with sample he would write to his wife. Here's what he contributed:
--------------------------------------------

Michele: My idea here is for men to take these templates and expand upon them. If your correspondents read these and are inspired to expound upon them, I think they can create some wonderful - personal - letters of their own.
Thanks for the chance to help, the chance to create. - Jon

----- Template: Strength -----
The love I feel for you exceeds words. I say "I love you" each time I hug you, each time we kiss, each time I touch your hand. I think of your love during my most difficult times. Your support - your love - renews my strength and helps me get my work done. There is a special strength I gain when I think of how much love we share. Many times I want to hurry and finish what I am doing so that I can return to you. When a soft ray of light touches my skin, I often feel it is your touch, even when we are far apart.

----- Template: Time -----
When I smell your perfume, I am transported to those special times we've shared. Holding you is like being wrapped in a warm blanket - so soft and comforting. When I wear things you have given me, I recall the moment of joy when we first touched. Each of these feelings is permanent in my heart. These memories are etched in my mind as solid as carvings in stone. My love for you will always be strong. The time we have spent together is but a small down payment on the time I wish we could share.

----- Template: Religious -----
I am so very blessed to have your love. I feel as if God had selected an angel to love me. When my faith falters, a simple reminder of your love restores everything. At moments when I question, your love removes any doubt. Knowing that you - My Angel - are watching for me, waiting for me, loving me - that boosts my spirit. In those moments when I pray, all of those prayers include thanking God for you in my life. From the moment I say "Amen", I feel the strength of your love in me, helping me up, keeping me going. With your love, I have an unshakable faith.

----- Template: Without -----
Without your love, I would be hollow. Not only do you fill me, your love causes an overflow within my heart. I do not cry because of our love - I shout, I do little dances in private, I smile and laugh for reasons only we understand. I cannot say how much I love you because it is beyond what words can express. Only my actions can show you the depth of my love for you, and as you will see through the years, my love for you is without end. Without your love, I would not be me.

----- Template: Query -----
How much do I love you?
How much does a flower love the sun? How much does a singer love the song? How much does the painter love the brush? How much does the driver love the open road? How much does the pilot love the take-off? How much does the eagle love the wind? How much does the tree love the earth?
There is no limit to my love for you. It is the ultimate question - it can only be answered by another question.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Of course, for those of you who want to be a little more naughty, you can visit Harvey's treasure trove of Daily Love Notes for inspiration or out right swipping. Please feel free to contribute your own notes to help others. THANKS!

Update: The submission below was contributed by Laughing Wolf.

You complete me. Though the distance is long, you are here with me, a vital part of me. Your love is a warmth that surrounds me, your laughter brings a smile to my lips, your eyes are a memory into which I sink each night, and the silk of your touch is a comfort from within when things are rough. The distance is long, but to spirit and mind it is as if you are here. Memories of you fill my thoughts, your love my heart, and your strength and support surround me each day. Know that you are in my thoughts this day and every day, and that I send my love to warm you and surround you every day.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Great job guys [fanning myself to bring the temperature in the room down] all those are great contributions and pass my swooning  inspection.

Battle Weary - A Work in Healing

My battle weary body
collapses... tired.
Sleep escaping...
sad thoughts
circling,
torturing,
punishing,
like a train
aiming for
my brain.
I’m gripped,
by age old fears,
while shedding tears
through all these years
which never end.

If only this were:
… a bad dream;
… a tired scream
that’s dying
from within.

But it’s not,
it’s
…a hurting soul
…not yet whole
Paying,
a high cost.
with life & thoughts
for caring
and loving
when it should have not.

Its new pain…
like an old refrain
playing endlessly
without restrain.

Comfort can’t be found
in memories,
nor in those that live
for they so easily
can deceive.

Instead,
I turn to God,
my source for all,
who provides,
healing love,
and patience
from above.

~ me ~ 1.31.07

On Reading C. S. Lewis

I'm currently reading C. S. Lewis' essay, THE PROBLEM OF PAIN (1940) in which he explores the depths of his faith in light of the suffering he sees around him. In the essay Lewis asks: "If God is good and all-powerful, why does he allow his creatures to suffer pain?"

In the end, his spiritual quest led him to believe that much of the suffering in God's world can be traced to the evil/sinful choices people make, for which they must atone and amend for in this lifetime before achieving inner peace and a true connection to God. It's a very thought provoking essay. 

Conversation with Michele

A post written by Colin :

I was sitting there reading the NY Times while visiting/caring for Michele after physical therapy for her knee injury. She was stretched out on the couch with her right leg propped up on a pillow with a huge ice pack on her knee. We had been sitting quietly, me reading - she thinking, for upwards of an hour without saying a word to each other.

She was staring out the window and looking up at the night sky, when she noticed me staring and turned to look at me for a moment.

"What have you been thinking about all this time?”" I finally asked her as I glanced back at the newspaper and turned the page.

"“Nothing really"” she replied and turned to look back out the window. After a long pause, in which I read an entire article, she asked, “"Have you ever read Ayn Rand or Robert Heinlein?”"

“"No, but I have heard of them."” I stared at her thoughtfully for awhile. “"Michele, I was just wondering… something... is this what married life is like?"” She looked at me intently for a moment, almost as if to read me.

“"Well, that depends on what you’re feeling at this moment."

After considering a bit, I shared: “"Comfortable, serene, relaxed."”

After a deep reflective sigh, and with a tone of real honesty, almost wistfully, she said: "“Imagine those feelings, along with contentedness and an abiding love and you have the feelings of someone who is happily married.”"

After making sure I understood, she settled back into her quiet reverie of years gone past and didn'’t speak again until I left.

Though she is still mourning, she is now in a place of acceptance and simply learning to live with the loss. Sometimes I am blown away by her resilience, conviction and strength. It almost makes me feel self-conscious and somewhat ashamed that I tried to play her once.

Last month, during lunch she said to me that I needed to learn more about women in order to respect them as people so that I could eventually have a successful relationship with one. As I check in on her I can’t help but think how right she was and how this is all part of learning that life lesson. 

Anatomy of a Meltdown

I am genuinely touched and taken aback by the number of messages I have received through Colin and Jon. I am sorry I haven't responded to the messages I received directly and hope that this post will serve both as a response and allay concerns and fears. I’m sorry that I just checked out of life... everyone's life, for awhile. There's so much stuff going on in my life right now that I just needed to take some time for me, turn my focus inward to strengthen my inner-self, in order to refocus/ re-group and then move on. Much like pulling back during a fierce military battle that has been waged for far too long.

Right now I'm just at stage 1 of loss: experiencing the feelings of overwhelming grief, from simultaneous losses (one was an old friend and neighbor of 20 yrs), which overwhelmed me all at once. I have been here once before... after 9/11.

This time as things began accumulating recently: enduring my skin cancer treatment this past year, the beach rescue that turned badly in early fall, the leg injury after thanksgiving which then brought back my carpel tunnel…; well, they were compounded by the news that my mom’s cancer treatment is not going well and she’s going blind, and 2 very recent losses of good friends who will be dearly missed. It was multiple straws that broke my emotional back.

There's always stuff going on in my life that I never talk about because: a) I'm not a whiner... I know that most situations are simply temporary life hurdles to get through. I am a very reserved individual who processes things by thinking thoroughly, feeling deeply and working through things by writing stories, letters, posts and in my journals; b) I’m accepting of many things because I know, in the end, my faith will carry me through everything; c) Oftentimes, I just need to process my feelings quietly first, so I can then be level-headed in planning out my actions and executing solutions. That always entails quiet reflection, definitely some prayer time and writing, and on occasion tears, when loss is involved. Since my hands were hurting I couldn't write. My spirit was too low to speak to anyone on the phone, my body was in great pain from physical therapy and my injury, so I reached a breaking point by the time I received the news of my mom and the losses of good friends.

Colin is a caring, funny and sometimes an exasperating work colleague (if you remember some of his posts you know what I mean), who doesn't know the personal side of me yet, because we've only recently begun to hang out, so he didn't know what was going on. Thanks to those who emailed him and enlightened him on Michele. He shared those emails with me and they touched me deeply. It seems some people who have been reading since the beginning do understand me. They knew I was too over-whelmed to clue him in when he showed up at my door on Sunday. My grieving process is always handled in private and within the confines of my home.

In this instance, I was just tired of enduring so much pain and loss in my life in this past year, especially as I approached the 1st anniversary of my best friend's death. So yes, I took the opportunity, while my son was at a sleepover during that weekend (a true blessing) to allow myself a mini-meltdown. Normally, some people overwhelmed with grief drink, they yell at people, or take it out on others. Me, I just wait for the best moment I can deal with my feelings and then let myself feel all of the pain of my losses, because I have no time and no strength to carry excess baggage around with me. So I deal by feeling everything all at once when I'm able to. It allows me to bounce back and be there for my responsibilities and my son sooner than trying to suppress the hurt while living my daily life. Lying on the grave was a fetal position moment that just couldn't wait any longer. I just wanted and needed to be close to my friends and feel their loving embrace and re-assurance. By lying on the grave it was as close to them as I could come in a moment in which I greatly missed them, needed to talk to them and wanted desperately to get one of their awesome loving hugs. See, if Colin had known me, as my friends did, he would have known that I was wearing my waterproof hiking gear. They would have known that I just needed to cry my heart out dry and would have let me do so.

After 9/11, Hook instictively understood that on some level and published my letters in which I finally shared how a survivor of an attack felt and how one finds their way back to the light after loss. In doing so, he helped my healing process by giving my pain and thoughts a forum. By giving voice to my words in print he guided me to the wonderful power of healing through writing. Through his kind act I learned that I would eventually be okay. Now I know that with time, God and through my writing l will once again heal my wounds.

I don't know if any of this is making any sense, but that's what was going on. When I visit their graves in the summer I sometimes sit down and have a picnic or just lay down and talk to or pray with them. As C. S. Lewis once said, when he was seen doing the same at his wife's grave: "Their spirits may not be there, it many not do a thing for their souls, but it certainly makes me feel a heck of a whole lot better."

As time passes, and grief is processed I'll move on to stage 2: acceptance. In the meantime, I'll live in appreciation for the wonderful gifts of friendship and love I received while they were in my life, and though I will miss their presence terribly, I’ll have wonderful moments of bliss that I can recall.

I have not yet told my son of my neighbor/his surrogate grandfather's passing, he's currently dealing with the flu so I decided to wait, like the coward that I am. That's the only thing I'm not good at, is telling him about death. When his fishes died several years ago, some of you may recall how I told him they went on vacation to Florida to visit family. When we were planning for our Disney vacation this past August he insisted on visiting his fish to try and talk them into coming home. Sweet I know, but do you think I told the truth. I started to, but caved in at the sight of quivering lips. But this time I have no choice but to share the sad news and help him through his own grief. My neighbor was a wonderful caring grand-father figure that was teaching my son different languages, music and art. He was a sculptor and an artist. Recently I had been enjoying tea time with him in the afternoons. What I will miss the most is being able to share the little simple things that I used to come across and read and our discussions about art, literature and politics. I was so looking forward to our discussion on Heinlein and Rand this coming week and on Tocqueville the week after.

So there you have it. All of it. I have not yet lost my mind, though I'm sure a few people thought I did. Thanks to those of you who sent messages of support. Just know that you helped to ease my grieving process by being with me in spirit. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I don’t know when I’ll write again. Just know during my quiet moments that I’m doing my best to heal. In the meantime, what’s come of all this is local bloggers extending themselves to me and inviting me to “meet-up” in the Summer. There’s a Renaissance Festival in Troy, NY and Celtic Festival in CT where a few bloggers will get together. Which is nice, I have something fun to work towards and look forward to for when this dark cloud lifts and my leg heals. I did need something to gear my healing towards in the near future and an invitation to a dinner/dance in April helped enormously. Again, thank you all for your support, your kind thoughts and words have really helped during this time!

Out of my Depth

Colin here… writing a post for rhe injured Michele. 

As some of you may remember, I was a guest blogger awhile back until I was banished to Siberia by the beautiful Michele for violating her blogging guidelines. This time I return having been forgiven but with much consternation over Michele.

Michele and I have worked together in one professional capacity or another since late 2004 and as a result I’'ve had the opportunity to get to know her a bit on a personal level. Having redeemed myself, I’'ve been on my best behaviour and have been supportive during her recent physical challenges. However, in the last 2 days she’s undergone a radical change and I truly don’t know what to attribute it to or what to do to help her. When it comes to dealing with emotions, either mine or someone else’s, I'’m truly out of my depth. Perhaps if I explain what happened recently someone out there might understand and be able to guide me as to what to do to help her.

A few days ago, we agreed that I would pick her up on Sunday for lunch and afterwards drop her off at church. When I didn'’t receive a call-back Sunday morning I went to her apt. to make sure she was okay. What I found was someone who was the total opposite of the cheerful, vibrant woman I know. She was altered in both mind and spirit. After a great deal of coaxing she finally allowed me to drop her off to visit a friend she said she needed to talk to. To my surprise she guided me to a cemetery about an hour from her home. Over her objections I told her I would stay and wait as it threatened rain at any moment. Before leaving the car she asked me to promise that no matter what I would not get out of the car. I did and gave her an hour before I interrupted.

Ever so slowly, limping and hobbling along, she made her way through the graves and stopped before one with a large gray headstone about 30 feet away. She stood there for a moment and while holding onto the headstone knelt down on her good knee and leaned forward letting her forehead touch the headstone in a gentle and loving way. From where I sat I could see her lips moving as if in prayer. At one point she lifted her head slightly, just enough to kiss the stone. and then pressed her cheek against it and extended her arms like a christ-like figure, almost as if trying to hug and hold the headstone.

A steady drizzle began falling and just when I thought she would finally return, she instead carefully laid her body down on the wet grass. Not knowing what to do, and constrained by my promise, I lowered the car window and called out asking: "Are you okay?" After a minute, in which I was on the verge of running to her, I received a text message saying simply “yes”. There she lay immobile on that wet grass under a cold rain for almost half hour in which I knew she would be soaked to the bone. A long while later, when a torrential downpour began to fall, I felt I had to do something. Getting out of the car I ran to her side and asked her if I could help her get up. While I waited for a response I saw that her eyes were tightly shut. In looking at the headstone I recognized the picture as one of her deceased friends. Without asking again I picked her up and carried her back to the car, placing her gently in the seat. As I closed the door I saw her eyes were still closed and tears were steadily streaming down her cheeks.

When I turned on the ignition to engage the heating system my cd player turned on automatically and played “Far Away” by Nickelback, one of her favorite bands. As I reached to turn the music off she stopped my hand and said, "Please"” in a haunting pained voice that was just above a whisper. Her level of desolation is something I have never experienced in anyone. She began to sob silently while I sat there not knowing what to do nor knowing what to say and feeling pretty damned angry for it too. As a man, there has never been a time in my life that I can recall feeling so utterly helpless. Men are programmed to spring into action and fix things in order to save the day, not to sit quietly by, watching helplessly as women cry.

I eventually leaned over and put my hand on her shoulder, squeezing it to let her know I was there for her. I asked if there was anything I could do? Anyone I could call? But she just shook her head. Just as I was growing wild with desperation over her sobbing I asked if I could just give her a hug. When she didn'’t respond I simply pulled her towards me and embraced her as tightly as I could. Her body shuddered from the deepest sob I'’ve ever heard. It truly broke my heart seeing her this way and knowing there was nothing I could do to lessen her pain.

I held her for a very long time until her sobs subsided. She eventually pulled away to lean back in the car seat and through small heaves of tearful gasps said “thank you”. I pleaded with her to please give me something to do, no matter how small or insignificant, that might help in some way to make her feel better, for I felt totally impotent. That’s an awful feeling to have while facing someone in pain. When she was finally calm enough to speak, she turned to me and said “pray” which was followed by a huge mournful sigh.

“"Pray?”" I asked, not recalling having ever prayed in my life. 

"“Pray."” she said earnestly. 

After a long pause I confessed to her that “I don’t know how to pray.” Then I asked her, "Does “God listens to the prayers of unbelievers?"” 

“"God listens to all,… especially sinners."” And silent tears began to fall once again.

 

“"That’s it? Just pray?”" I asked again to make sure that’s what she really wanted from me and to get her to focus on our conversation rather than her thoughts and pain.

“"Pray,"” she said looking at me with the saddest face I’ve ever seen on her.

 

After a long pause, I asked, "“How?"” She reached over and with great effort turned off the music. She then clasped her hands, bowed her head and taking a deep breath said, "“Dear God,”" pausing for a moment to steady her emotions that were once again welling up inside, "“please help Michele heal & become whole once again. Amen.”" 

She looked up at me encouragingly, so I followed her lead and repeated the same words.” After another long pause I asked, "“Is that all I can do?”" 

“

"That’s all anyone can do for me right now"” she said trying to breathe through her unsettled emotions.   

We drove back the entire way in total silence, which to be honest I welcomed over the crying. I made her promise to call if she needed anything but all she said was “just pray”. I still can’t see how this prayer business works and how it can actually help her, so I’m turning to you, her readers (especially the women), to guide me and tell me what I can really do to help. She doesn’t want to talk about it, so I’m not going to press, but I welcome any advice or suggestions on how I might help because I have no clue as to what to do. If you think of anything, please email me. In the meantime, I’'ll keep updating everyone as to how she’s doing. 

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehn, good bye

Over a week ago I had a knee injury where I tore some ligaments. Painful yes, then and now, but I"m holding my own. The injury requires me to hobble about in excruciating pain. So doing something simple, like going to the bathroom at work and back takes me about 20 min, so something a little more elaborate and complicated, like taking a shower, is an enormous production.

All of this has taken a toll on my son as he saw me fall off the ladder and has been forced to help quite a bit. He's had to unfortunately go with me through some of these tests because I've not been able to get a babysitter. So these past few days he's begun reacting to my injury in a less than positive way. He's actually become afraid of my knee because he hates the sound of cartilage rubbing against cartilage coming from my knee when I move about the apt. I don't enjoy it either.

So as you can see, at the end of each day there are no spare minutes left for me. And I would really like to use that time to get some badly needed sleep and to spend time with my son going on Inter-planetary voyages and reading The Chronicles of Narnia aloud, instead of sitting awkwardly in a chair surfing for blog fodder.

I'll be back after the surgery and ensuing months of grueling physical therapy are over. But hey, I had fun while it lasted.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all!

==================================================================
Update: I'm saving the comments within the post as the website where they were originally posted will be going down soon.

1 Thank you for the time you have spent here. You will be missed while you are gone. But I'll be here when you get back.
Posted by: Stephen Macklin at December 18, 2006 09:46 PM (Z3kjO)

2 *sigh* I'm so sorry. What a bummer to have something like this happen now. I shall miss you so very much, although I understand why you don't have the time at the moment. I hope your recovery goes much much faster and better than you anticipate and you come back soon to drop us the occasional post. {{{HUGS}}}
Posted by: Teresa at December 18, 2006 10:35 PM (gsbs5)

3 zoinks.... um... you'll still let us try to make you laugh, right?
Posted by: RSM at December 19, 2006 06:47 AM (IyNwh)

4 I will be awaiting your return and totally understand your need for a break. Wishing you and your son a very Merry Christmas and many Blessings in the New Year!
Posted by: Lemon Stand at December 19, 2006 08:41 AM (3Eu3B)

5 I'll miss you. I hope we can find a way to keep in touch.  {hug}
Posted by: _Jon at December 19, 2006 08:48 AM (cPJtC)

6 Hope you make it back soon. I will miss your sharp wit and lovely pictures. Your health is more important, but it doesn't mean I won't miss you.
Posted by: vw bug at December 19, 2006 08:52 AM (ZbLU8)

7 I'm sorry to hear that! I hope that you will keep in touch. We will await your return. In the meantime - if you need to chat - call me!
Posted by: oddybobo at December 19, 2006 09:11 AM (mZfwW)

8 Wishing you a speedy recovery. Having been thru something similar myself, I understand how the little one is reacting. I will be awaiting your return. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Posted by: Dazd at December 19, 2006 10:12 AM (Pn992)

9 Life is never fair, but it always moves onward. So many prayers are being sent you way that you cannot imagine.
Posted by: Ogre at December 19, 2006 10:14 AM (oifEm)

10 Ya know, if you leave the comments open on this post, we could have a little comment party to keep you amused... :-)
Posted by: Harvey at December 19, 2006 11:10 AM (L7a63)

11 .... good luck with getting healty again..... and Merry Christmas, ma'am.....
Posted by: Eric at December 19, 2006 12:18 PM (NlzwQ)

12 I am so sorry sweetie ... what a horrible thing to happen at anytime of the year. Get better soon, concentrate on your therapy, do all of it. Merry Christmas and a Better New Year to you.
Posted by: Quality Weenie at December 19, 2006 12:30 PM (BksWB)

13 Oh MY get better soon, and keep us posted!!
Posted by: armywifetoddlermom at December 19, 2006 01:53 PM (oSNDT)

14 I just found your site and I miss you already. I can empathize with your situation and look forward to your speedy recovery. Keep your spirits high and have a Merry Christmas and may our Lord bless you and your son with continual contentment.
Posted by: Jane at December 19, 2006 05:31 PM (1M+ds)

15 Thank you for all you have shared with us. You and your son are in my thoughts and prayers, and I wish you a speedy recovery.
Posted by: Mrs_Who at December 19, 2006 07:46 PM (GValb)

16 Wish you a Merry X'mas and Happy New Year! As well as your knee who will have a happy recovery soon :p
Posted by: hyristi at December 20, 2006 07:22 AM (o9cVQ)

17 Here's hoping your knee heals fast, and you have a wonderful Christmas and wickedly good New Year!
Posted by: Oorgo at December 20, 2006 02:06 PM (ZUQGo)

18 Circumstances: "Regretfully they tell us, But firmly they compel us To say goodbye to you." Now that song will be stuck in my head. Take care, heal fast, do what you need to do, and I hope to see you back soon, Michele.
Posted by: that1guy at December 20, 2006 06:28 PM (3UQTn)

19 Ouch! I hope you get well pronto and come back to the 'sphere real soon. In the meantime, take care of yourself and your son and have a Merry Christmas.
Posted by: Jim - PRS at December 20, 2006 08:13 PM (a6/Kb)

20 Well, since I can't seem to put a sentence together lately, either on my own blog or in anyone else's comments. So, I'll just say what Harpo would say. **honk, honk** Get well soon, m'lady.
Posted by: Tuning Spork at December 21, 2006 01:14 AM (pzBJ4)

21 I am so sorry to hear about this, and do wish you a speedy and full recovery. I, as will others, await your return.
Posted by: Laughing Wolf at December 21, 2006 08:31 AM (rkPu/)

22 Hope your recovery is quick and easy. Merry Christmas
Posted by: Gigi at December 21, 2006 04:40 PM (MGlM/)

23 Will miss you terribly. Get better soon.
Posted by: Tink at December 21, 2006 05:41 PM (vfIfd)

24 Are you back yet? :-)
Posted by: Harvey at December 22, 2006 11:13 AM (L7a63)

25 Hoping that you have a very Merry Christmas Michele.
Posted by: Sgt Hook at December 23, 2006 12:34 AM (zWjIW)

26 Rare commenter, new reader here... wishing you a speedy and smooth recovery and the best New Year ever!
Posted by: Jean at December 23, 2006 05:28 PM (Eodj2)

27 Merry Christmas, Michelle!
Posted by: Tuning Spork at December 25, 2006 02:31 PM (0AQAr)

28 Oh my. You take care and I hope that your healing goes quickly. I'll leave a light on for you, okay?
Posted by: Richmond at December 28, 2006 05:22 PM (e8QFP)

29 PLEASE!!!!! Tell us you will return at some point! I have not been reading and commenting like before, but I have been reading, so PLEASE tell us that WHEN (not IF) you are healed and STRONGER THAN BEFORE, you will return to us!
Posted by: Smokey at December 29, 2006 04:41 AM (xBtls)

30 *sets up folding chair* *waits*
Posted by: Harvey at December 29, 2006 08:17 AM (L7a63)

31 I've got a cooler Harvey, mind if I join you?
Posted by: Ogre at December 30, 2006 04:35 PM (EsWss)

An Incredible Life

Some amazing stuff has been happening to me lately, and I never would have thought to even blog about it had it not been for Tink’s blog prompt some time ago asking people to write about “something FABULOUS in your life right now!” I wonder if you all realize how wonderful your lives also seem to me?

I guess I never think to write about those “fabulous” moments because I reserve them for my journal, where I also include my thanks for them addressed to God. If I have the time, I also reflect on the impact it has had on my life. I’'ve been so busy that I haven’t had the chance to write it in my journal so I’m going to share it with you all.

A few months back I was asked by someone in my firm to donate a picture which hung outside our conference room for a small charity auction benefiting the Tsunami survivors in Sri Lanka. He had seen the picture hanging on the wall outside our conference room and thought it would be a great piece to add to that show. After having done my due diligence to determine if the organization met my fiscal and social causes criteria I agreed to give them the photograph, and to make it truly unique I agreed to also give them the negative, making the photo a one of a kind.

When I received the invitation to attend I declined, as I normally don’t go to evening events, prefering instead to be home with my son reading him a story and tucking him in bed at night. Well, the organizers didn’'t like that and began a shmoozing campaign that drove me nuts. I finally agreed to go but told them I would only stay until 8:00pm.

I show up to the event thinking it'’s this nice small charity thing and I find myself in a professional gallery with close to 200 people. As I looked around I saw incredible artwork in all mediums and amongst them is my photograph. I was dumbfounded. Later, during the auction I was absolutely speechless when I was introduced by the host using some incredible adjectives when referring to my talent, followed by the words “professional debut”. I didn’'t hear anything beyond those words as I was trying to figure out what that really meant to me. Later a work colleague told me that someone had paid $450 for my photo. That too was amazing, because whenever I take a picture it‘s for my own personal pleasure. I post a few pictures on my Postcards website because I ultimately want to share them with you.

On the ride home that night I thought how nice it was to be amongst other artists, talking the creative talk, and receiving appreciation and validation for my artistic expression. But to me taking pictures is simply one of the many artistic things I'’ve loved to do since I was a kid. In looking back I have received awards in different amateur competitions for: photography, videography, short stories, poetry, and singing…, but this is the first time I've been called an "artist" out loud by someone else.

Suddenly, as the car wound up onto the bridge, leaving Manhattan behind us, I finally realized I was actually living the life I had always dreamed of... – an artist’s life. All my life I have struggled to get to a place where I would have a little bit of time for my creative expression, only to have my many responsibilities thwart those efforts. I'’ve been so good at carving out small chunks of time whenever I could, that I didn'’t realize I was living the life I always wanted. Funny how it took one simple photograph and blog prompt to make me realize that.

Oh, and just because you haven't seen my name in your comment box doesn't mean I haven't been reading you! I have, but since I'm sitting in meetings reading I really can't start tapping away on my phone otherwise they'll know I'm not really paying attention. But soon, prepare for the onslaught of comments that I sometimes do to help boost your rankings and to let you know my thoughts when I read your posts. Some of your stuff really makes a dull or dreary day better, like when the side effects from my chemo is kicking my butt. At those times you especially come in handy because as I'm sitting on the john sideways, leaning my back against the side wall, waiting for my nausea to subside and praying my lunch stays down, I read you guys! I read you as a distraction so I can focus on you rather than how I'm feeling; I read you for laughs; to know what's going on in your lives; and just to appreciate the special people that you are in my life!

So thank you from the bottom of my heart for being who you are - Amazing Individuals - and for sharing of yourselves! God bless you all!