Thursday, March 31, 2005

The Demise of a Relationship

Frank of IMAO and Sarah of Mountaineer Musings, have officially declared their love for each other by becoming engaged. I must be the only one not surprised by what I thought was a wonderful natural course of events. From reading their websites on an occasional basis I could tell how much love they have for each other.
My dear Blog Father wrote 2 wonderful posts (Free Advice and Helpful Wedding Advice) in an attempt to enlighten and prepare the happy couple. I read some of the comments that were left (some are very funny), and thought about what they need to guard against.
The demise of relationship is something that is not easily noticed, it is a slow and almost imperceptible death. Here's my humble experience on the sign posts and how to avoid them once you spot them.
It begins with the personal shift from the “"we"” to the "me", first in thinking then in language and finally in acting/decision making. It then moves on to taking your loved one for granted and then on to a worse area... that of being not considered in decisions or ignored. As the partner begins to slip in importance and priority, the career, the children and financial goals begin to take a higher precedence. All of this continues while your loved ones waits to regain his/her lost footing. This errodes the respect and regard they had for one another and sows the seeds of contempt and intollerance for their beloved.
The impending death is then helped along by being “apart more often than not making affection and closeness and being “a part of” their loved one's life virtually non-existent. The drifting that occurs over time, when spontaneity, intimacy and closeness has been lost, and you no longer remember the sparks that ignited your passion, is a sure sign of the moribund state of love. That slow insidious death is what they have to make sure never begins to take hold in their relationship.
If they can remember to start dating after they marry, if they can still hold each other with affection and look into each other’s eyes and tell each other how special they are and what they mean to each other often; if they can find compromises that will work for the greater good in their marriage, rather than for the benefit of any one partner and still be able to let go without regret or ego, then they are well on their way to a good start.
The rest is simply caring enough, being always present, honoring each other and being each other’s best friend.

Thursday, March 17, 2005


I lay awake last night in my darkened bedroom staring at the stars I glued to my ceiling some time ago. I really miss laying on the soft grass of my front lawn, surrounded by the smells of a dewy earth. I remembered many a nights staring up into the heavens searching for a number of planets and stars and feeling a sort of cosmic connection to the universe once I found them.
They were my anchor during times when I felt adrift in places and times I now wish I could forget. It was at those times that I thought of Copernicus turning to the heavens for answers in solitary introspective moments during times of great personal challenge.
Last night, as I tried not to stare directly into a star's light, I discovered it was already being reflected back to me through a most unlikely mirror. As I lay there, lost in thought, I saw that my celestial oracle had revealed more about myself than I anticipated seeing.
As the stillness of the night turned to daylight, I finally realized that in spite of all my losses, I don't regret the path my life has taken, because it has brought me to where I am today: a place where I can finally heal myself, and allow others to help heal me.
Thank you for being here and commenting, and for your friendship and support. The greatest lesson last evening was learning I could never grow or heal in an isolated vacuum. 
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