You would think that an urbane chick like me could handle anything life throws her way. I usually can, that’s why I have the job I do. But when it comes to SOME men, like my sexy, wonderful “Secret Agent Man” (SAM for short), I can be rather clueless. I discovered that last night quite by accident.
At the end of a most wonderful phone conversation he finally said to me: So how soon can I hear from you again?"
Ms. Sophisticated Urbane Chic (me) answered "Uhhhhhhm, I don't know." Why did I say such a stupid thing? ‘Cause I was truly puzzled and when that happens my mind starts racing. That's when the barrage of questions from my inner demons visiting from my past which have permanent residence in my head began talking to me, "You know, I'm not really clear on what he means" and in the background I hear his wonderful sexy voice protesting my 'I don't know.'
"“Oh, I see how it is… [he says in a disappointed frustrated voice], I'’ve been away in China on business for almost 10 days, in which I didn'’t call because of the 12 hr time difference, and as a result I'm now relegated to the back burner of your life, while you play it cool. I see how it is.”"
My inner demons were screaming at me, the arrogant evil one said, "Good let him sweat it out for awhile for not calling". The nicer demon screamed, "“Noooooooo, wait, that’s not what you meant, talk to him…. NOW dammit!!! Tell him the truth. Tell him that you’ve missed him, but didn’t call sooner because he hadn’'t responded to your last email. Tell him you thought he was busy and...”
"
"“AHHHH, STOP!!!“" I shouted to myself in my head as I pressed the palms of my hand against my forehead to try and stop the chatter and my impending headache. The voices subsided long enough for me to respond to SAM, who had been quietly protesting to me all the while through the telephone. When I spoke, all I was finally able to say was, "“It's your turn next."”
"What?!!" I thought to myself. All I remember from him was silence. While within me raged a second storm between my twin demons who were by now vying intenselfy for supremacy, so their message could get out first. The nice demon said: "“Tell him you DO want to talk with him...… often, but just don’t know how often and how long, or what happens if he calls and you're not in the mood. Or what if you're PMS, Lord, that’s never a good time to talk with you, EVER!"” I swear, for once in my life I was rolling my eyes at myself. I was so grateful he wasn't standing before me. My internal dialogue continued going in all different directions, my feelings were being crowded out by my demon twins.
My evil demon shouted, saying,"“Wait A minute... you’'ve emailed, you'’ve called,… you’'re not the only one who should be doing the heavy lifting here. He has to show he truly cares or has a genuine interest about this relationship too, otherwise you’re giving too much of yourself, and then it becomes one-sided, when it should be an equal effort… a give and take, a true partnership. This is when they show you if they can be a truly giving and caring friend, 'cause if that's too much to handle, then they'll be coming up short with everything else... EVERY TIME and then it'll be too late to realize you're just been wasting your time."” Since that argument sounded reasonable, I let my last statement stand.
We talked for a bit more about other things, I don’t remember how the call ended exactly, it was late and I hadn'’t slept well in a week, so I knew to quit while ahead.
And since I wasn’'t able to sleep yet again, in the wee hours of the morning I wondered if this is as hard for him, as it is for me. How on earth do we get past the inner demons and the fears to be able to speak from our hearts. Is it just as hard for him to tell me what he wants or needs from me, as it is for me. But the truth is that somehow we are managing to go over those speed bumps called fears, that temporarily slow us down long enough for us to take stock on how things are going on this wonderful journey. The good thing is that those bumps serve as a way to learn how to first and foremost be friends, so that we can learn how to be incredible lovers afterwards. I wonder if he's even aware how my stammering and stumbling of words is something that happens only when I talk with him. At work I'm clear, decisive and a force to be reckoned with. In intimate relationships the truth is I sometimes muddle my way through because my brain interrupts my heart every time.
Because if it hadn'’t been that hard for me, I would have simply said, “"You know what, I’'ve missed you this past week. I've missed your sense of humor, your incredible sexy voice; I've missed the sharing of our week with each other... I always love hearing from you... in any form. So write when you want to write, even if its just to say hi and to let me know you're busy. Call when you feel like calling. And if we can talk, we’ll talk and If we can’t… well, then we’ll figure something out when we get there. You just tell me what you're comfortable with, then do what you're comfortable with, and I'll do the same, and we'll just go from there. How does that sound?”"
One thing's for sure, next time I'll make sure I have plenty of sleep before we talk. I think the call would have gone a lot differently had I slept more than 16 hrs in in the last 5 days.
Hmmmm, I wonder if anyone has figured out how we can do do-overs in relationships. Any suggestions?
Update: Some of the comments I received on this post are worthy of re-posting here.
At the end of a most wonderful phone conversation he finally said to me: So how soon can I hear from you again?"
Ms. Sophisticated Urbane Chic (me) answered "Uhhhhhhm, I don't know." Why did I say such a stupid thing? ‘Cause I was truly puzzled and when that happens my mind starts racing. That's when the barrage of questions from my inner demons visiting from my past which have permanent residence in my head began talking to me, "You know, I'm not really clear on what he means" and in the background I hear his wonderful sexy voice protesting my 'I don't know.'
"“Oh, I see how it is… [he says in a disappointed frustrated voice], I'’ve been away in China on business for almost 10 days, in which I didn'’t call because of the 12 hr time difference, and as a result I'm now relegated to the back burner of your life, while you play it cool. I see how it is.”"
My inner demons were screaming at me, the arrogant evil one said, "Good let him sweat it out for awhile for not calling". The nicer demon screamed, "“Noooooooo, wait, that’s not what you meant, talk to him…. NOW dammit!!! Tell him the truth. Tell him that you’ve missed him, but didn’t call sooner because he hadn’'t responded to your last email. Tell him you thought he was busy and...”
"
"“AHHHH, STOP!!!“" I shouted to myself in my head as I pressed the palms of my hand against my forehead to try and stop the chatter and my impending headache. The voices subsided long enough for me to respond to SAM, who had been quietly protesting to me all the while through the telephone. When I spoke, all I was finally able to say was, "“It's your turn next."”
"What?!!" I thought to myself. All I remember from him was silence. While within me raged a second storm between my twin demons who were by now vying intenselfy for supremacy, so their message could get out first. The nice demon said: "“Tell him you DO want to talk with him...… often, but just don’t know how often and how long, or what happens if he calls and you're not in the mood. Or what if you're PMS, Lord, that’s never a good time to talk with you, EVER!"” I swear, for once in my life I was rolling my eyes at myself. I was so grateful he wasn't standing before me. My internal dialogue continued going in all different directions, my feelings were being crowded out by my demon twins.
My evil demon shouted, saying,"“Wait A minute... you’'ve emailed, you'’ve called,… you’'re not the only one who should be doing the heavy lifting here. He has to show he truly cares or has a genuine interest about this relationship too, otherwise you’re giving too much of yourself, and then it becomes one-sided, when it should be an equal effort… a give and take, a true partnership. This is when they show you if they can be a truly giving and caring friend, 'cause if that's too much to handle, then they'll be coming up short with everything else... EVERY TIME and then it'll be too late to realize you're just been wasting your time."” Since that argument sounded reasonable, I let my last statement stand.
We talked for a bit more about other things, I don’t remember how the call ended exactly, it was late and I hadn'’t slept well in a week, so I knew to quit while ahead.
And since I wasn’'t able to sleep yet again, in the wee hours of the morning I wondered if this is as hard for him, as it is for me. How on earth do we get past the inner demons and the fears to be able to speak from our hearts. Is it just as hard for him to tell me what he wants or needs from me, as it is for me. But the truth is that somehow we are managing to go over those speed bumps called fears, that temporarily slow us down long enough for us to take stock on how things are going on this wonderful journey. The good thing is that those bumps serve as a way to learn how to first and foremost be friends, so that we can learn how to be incredible lovers afterwards. I wonder if he's even aware how my stammering and stumbling of words is something that happens only when I talk with him. At work I'm clear, decisive and a force to be reckoned with. In intimate relationships the truth is I sometimes muddle my way through because my brain interrupts my heart every time.
Because if it hadn'’t been that hard for me, I would have simply said, “"You know what, I’'ve missed you this past week. I've missed your sense of humor, your incredible sexy voice; I've missed the sharing of our week with each other... I always love hearing from you... in any form. So write when you want to write, even if its just to say hi and to let me know you're busy. Call when you feel like calling. And if we can talk, we’ll talk and If we can’t… well, then we’ll figure something out when we get there. You just tell me what you're comfortable with, then do what you're comfortable with, and I'll do the same, and we'll just go from there. How does that sound?”"
One thing's for sure, next time I'll make sure I have plenty of sleep before we talk. I think the call would have gone a lot differently had I slept more than 16 hrs in in the last 5 days.
Hmmmm, I wonder if anyone has figured out how we can do do-overs in relationships. Any suggestions?
Update: Some of the comments I received on this post are worthy of re-posting here.
1 Do what your heart tells you, always trust your heart. It knows what it's doing, even if you don't think it does.
Posted by: Quality Weenie at October 17, 2007 07:25 PM (BksWB)
2 Wow, you not knowing what's the right thing to say? You ARE sleep deprived. You even sounded so today during the mid-morning call. Get some sleep! Everything will look better int he morning.
Posted by: lisa at October 17, 2007 07:37 PM (D0Mr6)
3 Hey, if things don't work out, can I have an oppty to take you out?
Posted by: Erik at October 17, 2007 08:09 PM (ueMLc)
4 Suggestion: email him what you said in the last half of this post.
Posted by: Jean at October 17, 2007 10:15 PM (AiJXe)
5 I'd love to offer up some great advice - but...yeah. It's ME, for cryin' out loud.... I sure do wish I could just replay some of our phone conversations for you. ;-) Probably the best thing I can say is to remind you to remember he's just as human as you are. Just as vulnerable. If you keep the walls TOO strong, you might miss out. Balance darlin'. It's all about balance. But then again, it's like I said...it' ME, so what do I know.......
Posted by: Tammi at October 18, 2007 06:11 AM (dnmhS)
6 Are you aware that Mercury is retrograde and that all communications is apt to go awry? That means that everything you do, say and write is automatically prone to mis-communication.
Posted by: Lisa at October 18, 2007 10:28 AM (BN/Fu)
7 "I wonder if anyone has figured out how we can do do-overs in relationships." Just ask for one.
Posted by: Stephen Macklin at October 18, 2007 03:47 PM (UquFN)
