Where did the time go? It was just yesterday that I was in Grad school, working 3 part-time jobs and teaching. Living and loving my life and friends with great intensity, at break neck speeds. Time was measured in semesters and the length of school breaks.
Having survived cancer at age 25 many years before, I lived life with a drive and eagerness known only to cancer survivors. I remember clearly the excitement I felt the semester I was cleared to go back to school. I decided that no matter what, I would not have any regrets about school or life in general. I planned my life so that I could go to college full-time and have "the full experience", as my friends used to call it. I became very involved, joining one of the top sororities on campus, then later becoming student government president for 2 terms. The list of things I accomplished, as if time were running out, were endless. I was living faster and harder than Lance Armstrong.
During that time, my friends were my stability. they were there during all the high’s and lows of my emotional and financial life. I would never have made it without there help and support. During every joyous moment and accomplishment in my life, they were there. During every major disappointment and crisis, they were there.
Last night, while I sat in the emergency room with my son, waiting for the results of his X-rays to come back, I missed them very intensely. How I wished that a few of them had survived. Last night, I believed I would feel less isolated if at least 1 or 2 of them had made it. Who knows, maybe I’m just kidding myself. But there were a couple of anxious moments last night that I would have given anything to be able to talk to one of them on the phone, or to have at least looked forward to receiving one reassuring hug.
So the dream gone, I focused on being comfortably numb, in order to be there for my 4 year old son.
Hearing my son was OK was a relief; but I still missed them. After I put my little angel to bed, the void felt more intense. It always does after a crisis. Curling up in bed with the cell phone next to me, I hoped that the phone would still ring, just as I did for many nights right after 9/11. I did so in the hope that a miracle would happen, that I would hear one of their voices calling me peanut, shortstop, or doll face.
Eventually, the tears faded and were followed by the comfort of silence found in the pre-dawn hours. That time of night always provides my spirit with the solace it so desperately needs. The silence being the resting place for all my prayers of hope. Prayers for souls departed, and for some new dear ones fighting the good fight overseas. They are all I have now. They are my only hope for a safer, better and brighter tomorrow. May God bless and protect them all!
Posted by: Michele at 01:31 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 Wow. What an amazing post. This is the first time I have been here. -Q
Posted by: Queenie at August 11, 2004 04:17 PM (3+LTh)
2 I'd never read your blog's history, had no idea about your cancer (something which has had a major impact in my life), and I didn't know how great your loss on 9/11 had been. I doubt I will go back and read, as it is probably too much for me. When I lost My Love to cancer, it had very a bad effect on me. I had countless nights in the hospital, doing as you did. Just kinda phasing out, hoping to be strong and supportive. For the most part, I was successful. But it wasn't easy. I've never curled up with a phone, as there never were calls. But I've looked at the PC next to me, with no one sitting at it, and missed My Love greatly. I used to check the e-mail account, then notify cyber-friends of what had happened. But I don't even do that anymore. I am sorry for your loss.
Posted by: _Jon at August 11, 2004 09:13 PM (RZ4Hy)
3 I'm so very sorry you had such a rough day/evening/night. I understand, to an certain extent, about the loneliness you are talking about. And I do know what you mean about curling up with the phone waiting for that encouraging phone call. For what it's worth, you are in my prayers everyday (honestly). Plus, if it gets bad, shoot me an e-mail. You'd be amazed at how late/early I'm sitting here. I'll always answer.
Posted by: Tammi at August 12, 2004 02:55 PM (4Ls5e)
4 Well, I don't pray, so I can't say what Tammi said, exactly. However, you're on my blogroll and I stop by religiously, which is about the equivalent for me :-) And my inbox is always open :-)
Posted by: Harvey at August 13, 2004 11:45 AM (tJfh1)
