Pt. 2 - Intimate Interlude

There is something that happens to the rest of the world when you meet that special someone you strongly connect with. For awhile, the noisy intrusive world that surrounds us ceases to exist. Time seems to stand still, when in fact it steals away precious minutes from new found lovers. The world shrinks to encompass only them and nothing and no one else exists in their little world. Sleep, hunger, comfort, all are sacrificed just to linger for a moment longer with that special someone. Early on in their meetings, that special someone's presence and closeness is all they need and want for nourishment.

But what most of us don't realize when looking at that special someone, is that we really don't see what's before us. No, instead what we see is all that we wish to see and hope to find in another. What is before us is often a magical illusion of all our hopes and dreams. Anything beyond that is ignored for the sake of maintaining the wonderful fantasy just a little while longer. So we can have that love high be just a little sweeter.

That was the Svengali-like effect he had on me. Nothing existed within my sight except his beautiful smile, his heavenly eyes and his heart-melting sexy voice. He too was just as attentive and eager to learn about me as I was about him.

At one point he was sharing this story about himself babysitting his younger nephew. As a mom, I couldn't help but think that his story of learning to be an uncle and of the manly 5 second rule (for food that falls on a floor) were a bit gross and did not reflect the incredibly sophisticated and attractive man that was before me. I couldn't help but unconsciously respond by making a strange face.

Stopping mid-story he asks: “What’s wrong?”

Though I hesitated at first I went ahead and asked, “"Do you always tell this story to women you’re trying to impress?”"

"“Uh… yes”. Why?"

"“No wonder you’re still single. That’s story makes you seem so.. so… .... sooo unlayable right now... it’s just not funny!"”

His shock at my frankness caused him initially to gasp then pause, before letting out the biggest raucous heartfelt laughter I’ve ever heard from a man. I too was shocked at hearing my honest thoughts escaping my mouth, and laughed.

When he finally composed himself, he confessed to me that no one had ever told him that it was such an unappealing story.

“Well honey, someone needs to tell you the truth… and often. Otherwise the next thing you’ll go around believing is that you’re handsome, and we can’t have you going around believing that falsehood.”

Here again he laughed heartily too. I enjoyed making him laugh because he had the most wonderfully infectious laughter and the most heart-warming smile I had ever seen.

Yes, each second of those 2 hours and 45 minutes were nothing like I had ever experienced before in my ife... they were truly magical.

Pt. 1 - The Meeting

While descending the stairs at Penn Station I was glad to see that my Amtrak train bound for DC had not yet arrived. Reaching the bottom of the steps I excused myself, to get the attention of 2 gentleman blocking my path onto the platform.

As they apologized I could not help but stare at the one gentleman who turned to face me. For a moment I thought I had run into my best friend, but knew that to be impossible since he had just left for a long secret vacation at some unknown resort with some mystery woman. I smiled broadly thinking to myself, how am I ever going to explain my staring, to this handsome gentleman standing before me?

“Pardon me” I finally say to him, who is by now returning my smile, ”I must tell you that I believe you have a twin brother in Georgia”

Shaking his head while smiling broadly he laughingly says, “That has got to be THE worst pick up line I have ever heard!” I was instantly captivated by his honeyed northern Virginia drawl. And yet, I couldn'’t help but laugh heartily, both at his presumption and clever response.

As I laughed I realized I still couldn'’t stop staring at him, which made me both very self-conscious and caused my breathing to quicken. I was just mesmerized by his deep intent gaze into my own eyes. I think it is so sexy when a man is confident enough to look straight into my eyes and hold my gaze. Thinking at that moment was impossible, but I needed to say something to the man standing so closely before me, awaiting patiently for a response. Amidst our silence, I felt his Svengali-like power begin to take hold of me.

Momentarily looking away I gathered all my courage to speak honestly. Smiling shyly as I looked back at him once again, I finally whispered, “I’m sorry… your beautiful green eyes have mesmerized me and I can’t think of anything to say.”

As he continued to hold my gaze, I could sense his surprise. “"Wow…! that is the most honest come back line I’ have ever heard!”"

I truly don’t remember what he said next, for I was completely lost in the beautiful sea of green that were still controlling me. I do remember thinking about halfway through our trip, as we continued to talk, “Wow, he’s funny, intelligent, interesting, charming, well traveled, self-confident and handsome, with a great body to boot… I finally have before me the man of my dreams. Oh Lord, I think I'm in deep trouble here… If he’s meant to be in my life please Lord, let me know the right thing to say.“

Battle Weary - A Work in Healing

Battle Weary - A Work in Healing

My battle weary body
collapses... tired.
Sleep escaping...
sad thoughts
circling,
torturing,
punishing,
like a train
aiming for
my brain.

I’m gripped,
by age old fears,
while shedding tears
through grief-filled years
that never end.

If only this were:
… a bad dream;
… a tired scream
that’s dying
from within.

But it’s not, it’s
…a hurting soul
…that's not yet whole
Paying,
a high price,
in life & thoughts
for caring
and loving
when it should have not.

Its new pain…
like an old refrain
playing endlessly
without restrain.

Comfort can’t be found
in memories,
nor in those that live
for they so easily
can deceive.

Instead,
I turn to God,
my source of all,
who provides,
healing love,
and patience
from above.

~ me ~

Thoughts on 9/11

Two months ago, as I was doing research for a story I was writing, I visited an old post on a website, where the blogger asked his readers how they made sure they remembered or observed 9/11. To me it was an unsettling survey and some of the cavaliar comments “about getting over it already” were even more disturbing (that's why I'm not linking to them). It was all very hard to read, especially after learning that earlier that week none of the local tv stations were going to broadcast the memorial services for 9/11.

As I began to read one of the comments (which I have posted below), I found it both relatable and somehow very familiar. I was truly stunned, when I got to the end and discovered who the comment author was.

"Just reading these comments surprises me. Those of us that survived and also lost loved ones that day don't have to remember. We have lived with it every day without respite. Yes the pain is duller and the compelling grief that tugs at your heartstrings and the corners of your memories is less intense, but the memories are pervasive and still linger close to everything I do."

"It's the first automatic thought I have as I emerge from the subway and look up on clear blue sky days. It's the thought that returns during my early morning Tuesday conference call in a new conference room facing that spacial ghost that lingers in my mind's eye, as I look at the downtown skyline. It's immediately and urgently brought back with every fire drill, group of ambulances, fire engines or police cars that go by with sirens blaring, as they head downtown."

"It's in the ever present silence and absence of my loved ones during every milestone, celebration or heartache I experience, making each occasion more poignant for their absence."

"No, I don't need reminders of 9/11 for I am a living, breathing, reminder of survival on that day."
Posted by michele on August 23, 2004 12:48 AM

Even after all these years, on some days that'’s exactly how I feel. I will be at a private service tomorrow, remembering friends who died saving others on that day, who never came home.

For me, there will always be plenty of reminders of 9/11. Reminders from those who continuously tell us how much we are hated and reminders from those how have sworn to annihilate us. In NYC we’ve already endured, 3 dirty bomb scares in one month. In one particular instance, I walked out of my office building for lunch to encounter hazmat clad police officers with a huge chemical “sniffer” on the back of a flat bed truck. At the moment I encountered this scene my first thought was “I’m glad I’ve told everyone I love how I feel about them, because I can now go in peace.”

I hope you take a moment each day to feel grateful that you are alive and that you can touch, laugh with, hug and kiss each and every one of your loved ones. This life is a gift, please don’t take it for granted. May God continue to bless us all.

State of my state

Hey there! Hope you’'re all well. I’ve been visiting my top 50 blogs through my cell and seeing the amusing, fun, interesting, heartwarming stuff you all have posted. I’m still keeping VW, RSM, JON and a few other special people in my thoughts and prayers as they go through their physical/health challenges. I’ve been through my own this past year, sometimes even doubled-up when I was undergoing chemotherapy while dealing with torn ligaments in my knees that left me on crutches for months. I know it can'’t compare to your own personal trials but what I have to share from my own experience is that if you  hang in there, relying on your faith, your relationship with your creator and find daily inspiration for a positive outlook, you’ll have the ability to have a more positive outcome. A decade ago when I had my first bout of cancer if found Louise Hay to be a very inspiring author. From her I found others. So if you’re going through anything that’s challenging your spirit, I encourage you to search online for positive inspiration or re-explore your faith again. There’s plenty of support and resources online so I hope if you need you’ll use them to get through any bump in your road.

As for me, I'm currently back in physical therapy almost 2 hrs per day, in order to finish the rehab on my knee and move back into the gym. Wooohoooo! At the same time I'm busy going through an intensive professional development course which is FRIEKIN AWESOME! Of course the goal-setting workshop kicked my butt this week because I didn’t anticipate that we would be taking THREE DAYS to envision everything I would like to see in my professional life for the next TWENTY YEARS. Now please understand, I’m psyched about this because these are all my professional hopes and dreams that were tucked in the back of my head but never allowed to see the light of day. Why? They were small thoughts based on a fearful life that didn't dare to dream. And folks, this time I was not only given permission to dream, I went out there full forced and dared to dream... BIG!

This Trainer/Coach is so good I decided to take and pay for a personal development class with him. Unfortunately, I didn’t know it at the time of signing up, but the classes overlap for about 2 weeks. At first the overachiever in me thought: “ahh, I’ll be able to manage.” Now, I’m not so sure I can do both classes justice. All I can do is try because I really want to take these 2 courses now. This guy isn’t always in NYC and the timing for these courses in my life is perfect.

You see I'’ve always had a lot of dreams. When I was 25 and diagnosed with cancer the first time around I made a list of the top 50 things I wanted to accomplish in my life. The first 10 or most important to me I decided to accomplish prior to starting chemo. In fact I deferred chemo for 4 weeks because I wanted to have something to think about and feel good about during the throwing up, loosing my hair, skin looking gray, not wanting to continue on days. The accomplishment of those 10 things were my carrots/my evidence that dangled before my eyes for my future life and my drive for remaining an active participant in my recovery so that I could accomplish the remaining 40 things by age 40.

By age 35, I was blessed by God with having the opportunities to accomplish 48 of the 50 goals on that original list. When I was 40 I completed the last 2. This past April, when I was diagnosed with skin cancer, I quickly did a top 10 list of things I wanted God to bless me with the opportunity to see, do, have in the following year. It was tough at times, especially after my knee injury, but God making the way, I forged ahead and I recently accomplished my 10th! Wooohoooo! So I knew I needed a new set of goals that would help me continue my forward momentum. And this instructor, well, he dares me to not only dream, because God didn't put us on this earth to do just a few things but to do great things (whether small or big) in his name. So this time I dared to dream like I’ve never dreamed before. He asks me to visualize my dreams and how they would look like in my life, with no impediments such as fear stopping me. There’s more, and the course its a lot more intense, but that is just plain awesome. No one has ever dared me to dream and aim way high! High enough to reach the sky for God's guidance and blessing. No one! And so he has shown me that my track record of accomplishing my small dreams are proof that I cannot only dream big, but that God will show me ways to accomplish the big dreams too, if they're his will. Which means... me eventually leaving NYC (you know I’ve kidded about this before but it’s a dream of mine) and finding a wonderful community to live and work, where I can raise my son to be a happy values oriented kid. Woohooo! Can you tell I’m psyched?

So I’m looking at a schedule that looks a little bit like this:

5:30am – 7:00am – Physical Therapy via Skype
7:00am – 8:00am – Make breakfast (pack lunch) get son and I ready for our days
8:00am – 9:00am – Travel to drop off son at camp/continue on to work
9:00am – 10:00am – Get as much stuff done as possible before Prof. Dev. Class
10:00am – 11:00am – Professional Development Class
11:00am – 4:45pm – Work \hard to get all issues resolved & squeeze in 20 min of PT
4:45pm – 7:00pm – Travel to and take classes then take a cab home
7:15pm – 8:30pm – Catch up w/son and sitter, spend time focusing on son & get him ready for next day and bed
8:30pm – 10:00pm –House work, meal prep for bkfast, lunch & dinner as I eat dinner
10:00am – 1:00am – Do homeowork for class, shower and crash in my bed

In order to achieve this I’ve had to adjust my nutrition and increase protein, calcium, etc. to support the extra activity. So far so good, I’ve been on this schedule for 2 weeks now and it’s held up well. The truth is I'’ve not slept this good, been this driven, nor been this excited about life since before 9/11 when my beloved friends and I were all training for the NYC Marathon.

What do I attribute all this change to? Your total steadfast support, your unconditional love and you guys cheering for me until I was able to once again cheer for myself and cheer you guys on right back. You have helped me heal in ways I never thought were possible. And the most awesome part of this process is that I am a better person than I was prior to 9/11. God bless you all for being such an integral catalyst in my growth and I promise to be back as soon as I’m done!

Oh one of my personal goals that I intend to put down on my list and accomplish over the next 3 years is to attend at least 1 blog meet and make a few personal visits to some awesome bloggers out there. So, look out! I just may be headed your way by the end of the summer!

BTW, comments are still closed 'cause in this kingdom I choose not to deal with scum of the earth spammers. But thank you for stopping bye, for your incredible support and for sticking by me through the quiet blogless periods.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
~ Jeremiah 29:11

Types of Men I Love

There are 2 types of men that I absolutely fall for: smart guys and funny guys. If the guy is both I have hit the jackpot and I'm head over heals in love.  

I was lucky enough to know Robin (who is both funny and smart) during his early days when he was roommates with Christopher Reeve.  I had such a crush on him I would never talk I would just stammer.  He would love to talk to me because I was an easy audience, He made it easy for me to be around him.  Another thing, he seldom cursed when off stage.  

Work has been so stressful that I haven't laughed in awhile. Since I also missed Robin I needed to re-ignite my crush, so I watched him here.  Enjoy! 

Frayed at the Seams

For the past 8 weeks I’ve been working hard on several projects and dealing with lots and lots of stresses:
- working on the splitting up of our dept., and the transition that will require us to re-allocate: work, assets, resources and personnel
- not knowing until the end of last week, that my employment would continue
- organizing high level business meetings with a Gov., several Commissioners, some senators and Reps along with business leaders for that state
- reading, digesting and analyzing pressing time-sensitive legislation and forwarding important items to people within my firm explaining why it’s important they review it
- dealing with prima donna staffers at work & elsewhere
- dealing with first, my son’s ear infection, then his throat infection, which is now a mild chest congestion
- dealing with the abnormal growth of my son’s incisor tooth which is bothering him
- answering my accountants questions so he can finish the taxes I started (but was unable to finish filing due to my additional work
- getting my wallet pick pocketed on the train and having to deal with reporting all my cards as stolen
- dealing with almost daily changes in my son’s school schedule and class routine
- taking him to swim class, baseball clinics, birthday parties, etc.
- dealing with the shortcomings of my babysitter which led me to fire her 2 days ago.

Well, in the last 48 hrs life reached a level of stress that made me fray at the seams and finally act out in passive-aggressive ways, some of which involved playfully transferring my frustration onto 2 very patient and kind individuals. Along the way God showed me that he still loves and cares about me and that he’'s still taking care of me. “How do I know?” you may ask.

Two days ago, while riding in a fellow parent’s car, I began to get an eerie feeling of desperation that I needed to leave the car right away. So I begged the driver to pull over because I had forgotten that I needed to take the train in order to be on time for a mtg. Mind you, I had already been riding in the car over 20 min. But something inside kept nagging at me during those 20 min., and my increasingly queezy stomach convinced me to change my plans.

Five minutes later, while I was comfortably sitting on the train reading Tammi’s blog, a car rear-ended my friend’s car at 70mph, sending it into an active intersection, where a 2nd car smashed into the passenger side (where I had been sitting) making her car jump onto the sidewalk, injuring 5 pedestrians, 2 almost fatally. After I visited the driver in the hospital and saw her extensive bruising, I decided to go see the car. What I found at the police parking lot was a smashed up and flattened sardine can. I could not help but break down and cry and thank God for keeping me safe here on earth for a little while longer.

Somehow, the sudden unravelling of all my projects doesn’t seem all that important. What is important is that I was able to have a wonderful dinner with my son tonight, I was able to sit on the floor beside his bathtub as he bathed, while reading to him the recap of last night’'s Yankees and Mets game. But most importantly, I was able to hug him and kiss him goodnight then sit on his bed holding his little hand telling him all about the very first time I went to a baseball game. Earlier he had not only said please and thank you,… he asked if he could be excused from the dinner table. Those 3 hours today were parenting magic.

I’m so very grateful that I not only get to spend more time with the incredible little guy that’'s my son; I get to have the pleasure to be around and enjoy his company for what's to come.

Daz’d, I believe this definitely qualifies as one of those pre-cognitive experiences you’ve asked readers to share about.

Three Years

It's been 3 years since I began blogging to heal from all my losses. What started as a place to pour out my pain and tears has become a place to reflect, create, and explore. Even though the pain is mostly gone, I continue to use this blog:

- to reflect on how the past continues to affect and imbue my present spirit and actions.
- to create, using my talents and the inspiration I receive from others.
-To explore who and where I am, while continuing to move towards my dreams and discover who I am yet to be.

Thanks to all of you who stop here along your own personal roads of discovery, for you have all become part of me in one way or another.

Hot Damm!

Scene takes place at a local café, while I’m talking for a few minutes with another mom during children’s storytime.

Me: “Is it hot in here or is it me?”

A Mom: “It IS a bit warm in here. But you’re also drinking hot latte. [Touching my forhead] You don’t have a fever.” 

Me: “Man… I’m so hot I want to take off my shirt and go bury my chest in the snow”

A Mom: [blinks and looks away, not knowing what to say]

Me: “Sorry, that was too much information, wasn’t it?

------------------- an hour later-------------------

Scene takes place on the street; it’s 20F and the wind chill makes it feels like 11F. I’ve bumped into my babysitter’s mom, Jenny, who was a Dr. in South America. While talking with her I begin opening my coat, removing my scarf, taking off my gloves and finally my hat.

Jenny: “Aren’t you cold? It’s freezing out here.”

Me: “No… I’m actually kinda hot.” 

Jenny: “How many layers of clothing do you have on?” [I’m known for my layering. Tammi doesn’t know this but when I met her for dinner I had wool/cashmere blend tights, a pair of leggings under a pair of corduroy pants. Over all my clothing I wore my Michelin style, full-length (sub-zero) down coat.]

Me: I’m wearing just 2 light shirts and 2 pants under my down coat. [I remove my coat to show her.]

Jenny: Let me see… [touches my forhead], you don’t have a fever. [she asks lots of medical questions, which I answer]. Hmm, you’re too young to be going through the change.

Me: What change?

Jenny: You know…the change [she says frowning at me for not getting her meaning.]

Me: What change?

Jenny: The…. change [she says speaking slowly as if talking to a retarded child].

Me: “Who’s on first?”

Jenny: “What?....”

Me: “What’s on second.”

Jenny: “What are you talking about?” [she’s got major frowning action going on now].

Me: “I don’t know [“he’s on 3rd”]. I have no idea what YOU”RE talking about.”

Jenny: “Well it doesn’t matter because you’re too young to be going through it anyway.”

Me: “Well, thank you for that non-diagnosis, Dr!”

Jenny: [She laughs, but I’m wondering if she really understands my sense of humor.]

------------------- 2 hours later-------------------

Scene takes place in my kitchen. As I wrestle with dinner options I call my blog-bro _Jon..

Me: "Jon, can I ask you a question about your wife’s chemo treatment? Do you mind?" 

Jon: "Not at all. What do you want to know?" 

Me: "I’m having insane cravings: Today I bought anchovies, feta cheese and olives for my dinner. Did she ever get cravings for foods like that?" 

Jon: "Yep, she had some pretty strange requests." 

Me: "Okay, I’m glad to know it’s not just me." 

Jon: "No, it’s not just you. Oh by the way, she also had some major hot flashes." 

Me: "Oh. My. God… I thought I was either going crazy or there was something seriously wrong with me. How did you know I needed to know that?" 

Jon: "I just figured you did because it’s all part of the chemotherapy."

Me: "Oh, I can’t believe it… so that’s what’s been going on?" [I momentarily think about sharing how I wanted to take off my clothes and bury my chest in the snow earlier, but the look of that mom’s face came back to me, so I spared him. Some things are better left unsaid.]

Lucky for me I have this blog, so I can remind myself – it’s the chemo stupid – if I forget!

Jon, one more question. Is insomnia also part of this? It's 3:00am and I'm still not yet sleepy.

Playing Cyrano - A Man's Post

For the past 48 hrs. I've been writing little notes, leaving text or voice mail messages, letting some of the incredible people in my life know that I care about them and that they are much loved. In return I have received a number of requests (a total of 5 in the last 48hrs) from my guys (deployed soldiers I correspond with) who have asked me for help in writing to their wives/girlfriends/loves, letting them know they are loved. They are looking for the perfect letter. I was hoping my previous post in which Daz'd wrote a poem to his wife would be enough. But they don't want poetry because it's not them.

When I wrote back to the first few, they essentially replied they needed "a sample" or something to go on for inspiration, because love letters were "out of their area of expertise". Hmmmm, I know what that feels like, when you struggle to say the right thing to someone not knowing if you've said it well because your emotions are all jammed up inside.

Sooooo, I'm thinking this is a post my wonderful male readers can help with. If you don't want to be recognized you can send an email to: lettersfromnyc [at] yahoo [dot] com with your "sample" note or letter. It will not only help these men, it will also counter some of the negative vibes the cynics of the blogosphere have been spreading. So, I hope you help your fellow man and guide these young ones in the way of love, and in so doing show women out there that some of you know how to sweep a lady off her feet when you put your mind to it!

I asked one of my incredibly talented and most wonderful blog brother Jon, to help some of these men out, with sample he would write to his wife. Here's what he contributed:
--------------------------------------------

Michele: My idea here is for men to take these templates and expand upon them. If your correspondents read these and are inspired to expound upon them, I think they can create some wonderful - personal - letters of their own.
Thanks for the chance to help, the chance to create. - Jon

----- Template: Strength -----
The love I feel for you exceeds words. I say "I love you" each time I hug you, each time we kiss, each time I touch your hand. I think of your love during my most difficult times. Your support - your love - renews my strength and helps me get my work done. There is a special strength I gain when I think of how much love we share. Many times I want to hurry and finish what I am doing so that I can return to you. When a soft ray of light touches my skin, I often feel it is your touch, even when we are far apart.

----- Template: Time -----
When I smell your perfume, I am transported to those special times we've shared. Holding you is like being wrapped in a warm blanket - so soft and comforting. When I wear things you have given me, I recall the moment of joy when we first touched. Each of these feelings is permanent in my heart. These memories are etched in my mind as solid as carvings in stone. My love for you will always be strong. The time we have spent together is but a small down payment on the time I wish we could share.

----- Template: Religious -----
I am so very blessed to have your love. I feel as if God had selected an angel to love me. When my faith falters, a simple reminder of your love restores everything. At moments when I question, your love removes any doubt. Knowing that you - My Angel - are watching for me, waiting for me, loving me - that boosts my spirit. In those moments when I pray, all of those prayers include thanking God for you in my life. From the moment I say "Amen", I feel the strength of your love in me, helping me up, keeping me going. With your love, I have an unshakable faith.

----- Template: Without -----
Without your love, I would be hollow. Not only do you fill me, your love causes an overflow within my heart. I do not cry because of our love - I shout, I do little dances in private, I smile and laugh for reasons only we understand. I cannot say how much I love you because it is beyond what words can express. Only my actions can show you the depth of my love for you, and as you will see through the years, my love for you is without end. Without your love, I would not be me.

----- Template: Query -----
How much do I love you?
How much does a flower love the sun? How much does a singer love the song? How much does the painter love the brush? How much does the driver love the open road? How much does the pilot love the take-off? How much does the eagle love the wind? How much does the tree love the earth?
There is no limit to my love for you. It is the ultimate question - it can only be answered by another question.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Of course, for those of you who want to be a little more naughty, you can visit Harvey's treasure trove of Daily Love Notes for inspiration or out right swipping. Please feel free to contribute your own notes to help others. THANKS!

Update: The submission below was contributed by Laughing Wolf.

You complete me. Though the distance is long, you are here with me, a vital part of me. Your love is a warmth that surrounds me, your laughter brings a smile to my lips, your eyes are a memory into which I sink each night, and the silk of your touch is a comfort from within when things are rough. The distance is long, but to spirit and mind it is as if you are here. Memories of you fill my thoughts, your love my heart, and your strength and support surround me each day. Know that you are in my thoughts this day and every day, and that I send my love to warm you and surround you every day.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Great job guys [fanning myself to bring the temperature in the room down] all those are great contributions and pass my swooning  inspection.