The Demise of a Relationship

Frank of IMAO and Sarah of Mountaineer Musings, have officially declared their love for each other by becoming engaged. I must be the only one not surprised by what I thought was a wonderful natural course of events. From reading their websites on an occasional basis I could tell how much love they have for each other.

My dear Blog Father wrote 2 wonderful posts (Free Advice and Helpful Wedding Advice) in an attempt to enlighten and prepare the happy couple. I read some of the comments that were left (some are very funny), and thought about what they need to guard against.

The demise of relationship is something that is not easily noticed, it is a slow and almost imperceptible death. Here's my humble experience on the sign posts and how to avoid them once you spot them.

It begins with the personal shift from the “"we"” to the "me", first in thinking then in language and finally in acting/decision making. It then moves on to taking your loved one for granted and then on to a worse area... that of being not considered in decisions or ignored. As the partner begins to slip in importance and priority, the career, the children and financial goals begin to take a higher precedence. All of this continues while your loved ones waits to regain his/her lost footing. This errodes the respect and regard they had for one another and sows the seeds of contempt and intollerance for their beloved.

The impending death is then helped along by being “apart more often than not making affection and closeness and being “a part of” their loved one's life virtually non-existent. The drifting that occurs over time, when spontaneity, intimacy and closeness has been lost, and you no longer remember the sparks that ignited your passion, is a sure sign of the moribund state of love. That slow insidious death is what they have to make sure never begins to take hold in their relationship.

If they can remember to start dating after they marry, if they can still hold each other with affection and look into each other’s eyes and tell each other how special they are and what they mean to each other often; if they can find compromises that will work for the greater good in their marriage, rather than for the benefit of any one partner and still be able to let go without regret or ego, then they are well on their way to a good start.

The rest is simply caring enough, being always present, honoring each other and being each other’s best friend.

Heliocentricity

I lay awake last night in my darkened bedroom staring at the stars I glued to my ceiling some time ago. I really miss laying on the soft grass of my front lawn, surrounded by the smells of a dewy earth. I remembered many a nights staring up into the heavens searching for a number of planets and stars and feeling a sort of cosmic connection to the universe once I found them.

They were my anchor during times when I felt adrift in places and times I now wish I could forget. It was at those times that I thought of Copernicus turning to the heavens for answers in solitary introspective moments during times of great personal challenge.

Last night, as I tried not to stare directly into a star's light, I discovered it was already being reflected back to me through a most unlikely mirror. As I lay there, lost in thought, I saw that my celestial oracle had revealed more about myself than I anticipated seeing.

As the stillness of the night turned to daylight, I finally realized that in spite of all my losses, I don't regret the path my life has taken, because it has brought me to where I am today: a place where I can finally heal myself, and allow others to help heal me.

Thank you for being here and commenting, and for your friendship and support. The greatest lesson last evening was learning I could never grow or heal in an isolated vacuum. 

Scattered Thoughts

As I sit in my cozy warm livingroom watching the inauguration I'm glad that I decided to stAs I sit in my cozy warm living room watching the inauguration I'm glad that I decided to stay home. My old DC connections extended an invitation to all the day's events, but I'm really not a hang out in the cold type of person. That is, unless I'm hiking, skiing. skating or sledding.

I'm off of work for the 2 weeks, both to rest my hands and to get some important things done have lots of things planned and lots of things in the air. I hope all the things I want to accomplish get done.

Part of me wishes I could do more for the Tsunami victims, but my present lifestyle no longer permits me to take a short leave and go to work for the relief agencies I used to work for. My responsibilities as a single mom of an adorable and demanding 5 year old require me to remain home. One of the things that I'll be doing is running a workshop here for new relief workers that will be going overseas and helping them understand what to expect there both culturally and emotionally. Unfortunately, I am uniquely qualified to share on what it feels like to lose everyone you love in an instant and how Post Traumatic Stress disorder has manifested itself in my life these past 3 in a half years.

Life is easier now. My grief, like an old friend, remains close bye. It especially hangs close during special days when the absence of my friends is felt most. There's always a brief respite from January through April, and for that I'm grateful.

I'm finally back to writing in my journals, which has helped enormously to restore my inner peace over the past few months. Since, I've had to remain offline for awhile, writing in my journals helps release some of those thoughts that I would have posted on this blog.

So I've taken up photography again as another form of expression. My old 35 mm Nikon is a constant but heavy companion. An old familiar friend that’s been with me for over 15 years. I've parked my digital camera because it involves the PC and I promised my doctor that I would limit my use to once every 3 weeks. I love to take pictures in Central Park on snowy days. Part of me wishes I could post them online but I have to be good for now. Sigh!

I’ve been missing my online friends and family. Today I was able to visit everyone and say high to a few. It was nice to see that my blog dad is still up to his old antics. I smiled at the eye candy he linked to (thanks!). I’m still annoyed with Vigo since I saw him sporting his No Blood for Oil t-shirt over a year ago.

Well, I miss you all too! Thanks to all who have stopped by to wish me well. Your wishes and notes are greatly appreciated. Hope to read you all soon! 

2004 in Review

Happy New Year to all...

and to all a good night.

Last year at this time I was knocking on my neighbor's doors with a sleepy child in my arms letting them know there was a fire in the building. What a way to start the new year. The highlights of my year were:

March: My manuscript almost finished, I focused on cleaning it up by working with 2 other writers in getting feedback in 2 trouble spots.

April: I was assaulted at work by a crazy temp they hired at work.

May: My hands began to bother me so one of my writer friends offered to transcribe my dictations of the final edits to my manuscript.

June: I was out of commission from blogging, letter writing, and my creative writing and out from work on short term leave after being slammed with spam, viruses and DOS. Being sidlined from a digital life made me climb the walls of idleness.

July: Got back online and back to work after being out 8 weeks, only to discover all the data on my pc was gone, hard copies of documents lost, and my desk and projects in shambles. My house was in shambles too as the major part of the restoration from the fire was underway. My book was shelved until things in my life could get back to normal.

August: It was my son's 5th birthday and I had lots of fun planning and throwing his party after my home was almost back to normal.

September: My hands were still a problem, so I took vacation time. This time I enjoyed myself in the process by seeing lots and lots of movies and handwriting letters to all my soldiers.

October and November: These 2 months were crazy busy months at work and actually became a blur of activity.

December: Missing my deceased friends, I decided to finish the book and get it out to publishers so that I could share my memory of them with others. After failing to contact the writers that had volunteered to help me with the edits, I learned the book was submitted under their names and accepted for publishing. After many weeks of intense negotiation, I learned from my lawyer that because I didn't mail a copyrighted copy of the manuscript to myself my claim of authorship cannot be legally proved.

On the bright side, (not!) I received a promotion at work with a hefty pay raise, which comes with more responsibilities and more people to deal and work with. After much thought about all the positives and negatives of my job I decided to turn in my resignation today, which will become effective on 4-1-05.

As for my book, I was furious at first. Even thought of possible means of revenge, but have since calmed down. I believe in Karmic principles, so I know these ladies will get theirs soon enough! Because my lawyer never gave up and did raise enough enough doubts, the publisher has put off publishing the book for now. We will see what happens with it in the end.

As for blogging and writing? I will wait till I get better before coming back to write here about my musings. I will write from time to time. But if I'm to get better, I have to be a good little girl and stay off the keyboard as much as possible. This means not visiting my favorite sites including those of my blog family and friends.

Family: Although I may be in a digital void, you will remain in my heart and mind. I will especially miss my blog dad, Harvey and Sgt. Hook. They are special people those two.

H: Thanks for being such a terrific, and faithful supporter. You always managed to put a smile on my face during my sad or tired days.

Sgt: You are indeed an awesome and impressive man, and I'm referring to your character. As for your writing, I will miss it the most, for you continually inspired me through your own incredible writing. You will remain in my prayers until you return home to your loved ones.

One last note: at present I'm helping Catholic Relief Services, an organization I did relief work for, many years ago. They have sent every available body overseas to help with the tragedy in Asia and so I'm helping out, organizationally and planning wise, from NY. I can't stress enough how this area will need our support in the years to come. My fervent prayer for this New Year is that somehow the survivors of the So. Asian tragedy are able to find solace and a reason to go on with their lives in the days ahead. I hope they are encouraged by the support the world is showing them and I hope the support continues until their lives are restored.

Till we meet in the D-space I am sending electronic (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) to you all. 

Christmas Past

Christmas of 2001 was pretty non-existent for me. I was still numb from the loss of 6 close life long friends in the attack of the World Trade Center. I was so numb I was silent. It wasn't anything that I planned, it just happened that way after the people that I called, spoke to and emailed daily were gone.

That numbness helped me cope with the gaping wound that had been created in my heart from all my loss. It enabled me to show up at work, take care of my young son and function on a daily basis. To help me forget about Christmas that year, I decided to use my 4 weeks of vacation and return to Asia with my son and live amongst Buddhists, where Christmas isn't celebrated. It was the only way I knew to breach the void I felt.

Throughout 2002, I attended memorial services for 4 of my friends who had been identified through DNA. My numbness enabled me to plan memorial services for 2 of them and to be of support to their families. As the holidays approached numbness gave way to a slow emerging grief. Ironically, it was the ones who were identified who I mostly grieved over. I guess my heart and mind were still refusing to accept what was evident and instead I clung to the hope of a miracle.

Although I traveled for business over the Thanksgiving holiday that year, I stayed home for Christmas. I eventually forced myself to buy a few presents and put up a small tree for my toddler's benefit, but the sadness kept me from venturing out of my cocoon, even for services

By Christmas of 2003 only my oldest and dearest friend remained to be identified and honored in a memorial service. A good deal of my numbness had slipped away thanks to my writing about my wonderful friends to some new friends that were deployed in Afghanistan and Iraq. In my letters to these wonderful soldiers I shared fond memories and they shared with me about their loved ones. It was in sharing my memories and their lives with these soldiers that I was able to get in touch with my grief over each individual loss.

Without knowing it, these letters became my bridge back to life. Through them I found a way to grieve without being overwhelmed by the deep and profound loss of my close friends. To these incredible men and women I will be eternally grateful, for without knowing it, they helped me rise out of the ashes of this disaster and empowered me, through their quiet and resilient strength, to overcome this tragedy.

May God bless each and every one of them. 

Posted by: Michele at 03:01 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
Post contains 459 words, total size 3 kb.

1 {hug} Thanks for posting this :-)

Posted by: Harvey at December 12, 2004 01:25 PM (ubhj8)

2 I can't say it any better than Harvey, so I won't try.

Posted by: Salt1907 at December 12, 2004 01:46 PM (T8AyJ)

3 That was so beautiful. I am sorry for your losses. I hope your child is bringing you the joy you deserve.

Posted by: Rightwingsparkle at December 12, 2004 05:15 PM (qiDkw)

4 You inspired me also, because of you I have adopted soliders through Soliders Angels. You really are an inspiration to a lot of people, I am glad to know you. {{HUG}}

Posted by: Machelle at December 12, 2004 07:22 PM (74P7F)

5 What a beautiful post, written by a beautiful soul. Thank you Michele. It's good to see something from you, I've been worried, as I do know how difficult the holiday's can be - for any number of reasons. Take care - and don't forget - we're here if you need us. I have no doubt you supply as much comfort and healing to the soldiers you correspond with as they offer you. It's a wonderful thing. **Huge Hug**

Posted by: Tammi at December 12, 2004 08:57 PM (QSZLe)

6 Just checking in... [draws Michele a hot, flower-smelling, bubble-bath] You just relax for a while :-)

Posted by: Harvey at December 19, 2004 12:15 AM (ubhj8)

7 [sets down a little music box that plays "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"]

Posted by: Harvey at December 22, 2004 11:02 AM (tJfh1)

8 Merry Christmas, Michele!

Posted by: That 1 Guy at December 24, 2004 02:31 AM (bKaU5)

9 {Christmas hug}

Posted by: Harvey at December 25, 2004 11:00 AM (ubhj8)

10 Uh oh, naked blog. You ok, sweetie? CTS acting up again?

Posted by: Harvey at December 28, 2004 10:07 AM (tJfh1)

11 Damn-blasted comments spammers. Anyway, I just stopped by to give you a kiss under the mistletoe at midnight: *smooch* Happy New Year, Michele :-)

Posted by: Harvey at December 31, 2004 05:04 PM (ubhj8)

Our Family & House Rules

In This Family:

1. We follow the 10 Commandments. Especially the commandments about not lying/cheating, envying/jealousy, and disrespecting parents/elders.
2. We love, honor, respect and pray for each another.
3. We tell the truth always.
4. We consider one another's interests ahead of our own.
5. We speak quietly and respectfully with one another.
6. We do not hurt one another with unkind words or actions.
7. When someone needs correction, we correct him in love.
8. When someone is sorry, we forgive them.
9. When someone is sad, we comfort them.
10. When someone is happy, we rejoice with them.
11. When we have something nice to share, we share it.
12. When we have work to do, we do it without complaining.
13. We take good care of everything God has given us.
14. We do not create unnecessary work for others; it's called being conscientious.
15. When we go out, we act just as if we were in this house or church.
16. When we disobey or forget any of our family or rules of this house, we accept the discipline of our parents and elders.

Because my son's social filter is still not fully operational at age 5, his total honesty, under Rule #3, has gotten me into trouble a few times. Sigh! All I can do is smile, bite the bullet, and apologize for his rudeness. Once he went so far as to say "Excuse me mommy but I wasn't being rude, I was being truthful." Five years old and already dealing in semantics.

House Rules: In This Place:
1. We walk calmly from room to room and do not run, jump, skip, hop, or throw things around.
2. We go to speak directly to a person in the room they are in, instead of yelling at them.
3. We do the chores that are assigned to us daily as soon as we can.
4. We respect everyone'’s property and pets, and touch things that don’'t belong to us ONLY when given permission.
5. When called, we answer “Yes” and go to the person directly.
6. We let other’s know how we are feeling and let them know if we are: upset, unhappy, sad, frustrated or angry. No one understands silence or frowns.
7. We write or draw only on paper or art materials.
8. When we open something, we close it.
9. When we turn something on, we turn it off.
10. When we take something out, we put it away as soon as we’re done.
11. When we make a mess, we clean it up.
12. When we don't know what to do, or if we need help, we ask a grown-up we know for help.

Eeyore

Dealing with a flare up of Carpel Tunnel and colleagues so obnoxious they defy the norms of social behavior. So today my mood is reflective of the character Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh stories.

I'm hoping my mood improves and I'm able to see Bridget Jones/Colin Firth movie this weekend!

I feel so drained by the antics of several petulant children at work, that when I went to meet a former co-worker for lunch today, at one point I became amazed by the intelligent conversation we were having. We were discussing Christian monasticism and Indian mysticism's influence on Sufism. That really made my day. Thank you God for scattering brilliant people throughout our planet. 

Guess How Much I Love You?

There's a story book that I like to read to little children entitled: Guess How Much I Love You. It's a book that Amy gave me when I was recovering from cancer at age 25. My biggest worry at that time was whether or not I would be able to have children after undergoing radiation and chemotherapy. The book was meant to inspire me and help me think positively about my future.

After The Cat in the Hat, which I know by heart, this book is my favorite. There was a young marine who I used to write to who's innocence and strength of conviction reminded me a great deal of Little Nut Brown Hare, the main character in that book. After corresponding with him while he was in Iraq, I was glad to hear the news that he was finally home in Long Island. For me it meant that one more Marine had done his duty and was now safely home.

After he returned, our communication dwindled and we lost touch when I was going through my battle with carpel tunnel, my computer getting infected and my website getting hijacked.

Several days ago, as I was doing my daily walkabout on the net, I came across his name in the most unlikeliest of places, on a French website that I visit daily. In disbelief I followed the link to where I discovered that not only had 1Lt. Ronald Winchester gone back to Iraq for a second tour of duty (after serving 7 months), but I learned that 8 days into his second tour he was killed by a roadside explosion while he patrolled on foot outside of Baghdad. He was my fist soldier correspondent to be killed in action. My heart still reeling from 9/11, was scattered to pieces once again.

In the storybook Little Nut Brown Hare talks about how much he loved Big Nut Brown Hare and goes through several wonderful motions to show how much he loves him. Ron loved our country very much, and he showed us how much with his untiring dedication and willingness to serve, remaining positive and extending his hand to Iraqi's throughout his time there.

In the end, Little Nut, while being held tenderly in Big Nut Brown's arms, falls asleep. Big Nut Brown Hare then places the sleeping Little Nut gently on a patch of soft green grass for the night. That's how I want to remember Ron, sleeping peacefully on a patch of soft green grass.

Ronnie, may you rest in peace. I'll remember you forever, and just in case you didn’t know it, "I love you to the moon and back."

2001 - 9/11

Two thousand one, nine eleven

Five thousand plus arrive in heaven

As they pass through the gate,

Thousands more appear in wait

A resplendent man with haloed hat

Steps forward saying, "Lets sit, lets chat"

They settle down in seats of clouds

A greeting angel calls names aloud

Groups of soldiers in blue and gray

Others in khaki and green then say

"We're from Bull Run, Yorktown, the Maine"

The Newcomer said, "You died not in vain."

From a man on sticks one could hear

"The only thing we have to fear.

The Newcomer said, "We know the rest,

Trust us sir, we've passed that test."

"Courage doesn't hide in caves

You can't bury freedom, in a grave,"

The Newcomers had heard this voice before

A distinct Yankees twang from Hyannisport shores.

A silence fell within the mist

Somehow the Newcomer knew that this

Meant time had come for her to say

What was in the hearts of the five thousand plus that day.

"Back on Earth, we wrote reports,

Watched our children play in sports

Worked our gardens, sang our songs

Went to church and clipped coupons

We smiled, we laughed, we cried, we fought

Unlike you, great we're not"

The tall man in the stovepipe hat

Stood and said, "Don't talk like that!

Look at your country, look and see

You died for freedom, just like me."

Then, before them all appeared a scene

Of rubbled streets and twisted beams

Death, destruction, smoke and dust

And people working just 'cause they must

Hauling ash, lifting stones,

Knee deep in hell, but not alone

"Look!  Blackman, Whiteman, Brownman, Yellowman

Side by side helping their fellow man!"

So said Martin, as he watched the scene

"Even from nightmares, can be born a dream."

Down below three firemen raised

The colors high into ashen haze

The soldiers above had seen it before

On Iwo Jima back in '44

The man on sticks studied everything closely

Then shared his perceptions on what he saw mostly

"I see pain, I see tears, I see sorrow - but I don't see fear."

"You left behind husbands and wives

Daughters and sons and so many lives

Are suffering now because of this wrong

But look very closely.  You're not really gone.

All of those people, even those who've never met you

All of their lives, they'll never forget you

Don't you see what has happened?

Don't you see what you've done?

You've brought them together, together as one."

With that the greeting the angel said

"Take my hand," and from there he led

a legion of Five thousand souls,

New angels to heaven and heroes to all. 

anonymous 11/12/01

Going Under