Christmas of 2001 was pretty non-existent for me. I was still numb from the loss of 6 close life long friends in the attack of the World Trade Center. I was so numb I was silent. It wasn't anything that I planned, it just happened that way after the people that I called, spoke to and emailed daily were gone.
That numbness helped me cope with the gaping wound that had been created in my heart from all my loss. It enabled me to show up at work, take care of my young son and function on a daily basis. To help me forget about Christmas that year, I decided to use my 4 weeks of vacation and return to Asia with my son and live amongst Buddhists, where Christmas isn't celebrated. It was the only way I knew to breach the void I felt.
Throughout 2002, I attended memorial services for 4 of my friends who had been identified through DNA. My numbness enabled me to plan memorial services for 2 of them and to be of support to their families. As the holidays approached numbness gave way to a slow emerging grief. Ironically, it was the ones who were identified who I mostly grieved over. I guess my heart and mind were still refusing to accept what was evident and instead I clung to the hope of a miracle.
Although I traveled for business over the Thanksgiving holiday that year, I stayed home for Christmas. I eventually forced myself to buy a few presents and put up a small tree for my toddler's benefit, but the sadness kept me from venturing out of my cocoon, even for services
By Christmas of 2003 only my oldest and dearest friend remained to be identified and honored in a memorial service. A good deal of my numbness had slipped away thanks to my writing about my wonderful friends to some new friends that were deployed in Afghanistan and Iraq. In my letters to these wonderful soldiers I shared fond memories and they shared with me about their loved ones. It was in sharing my memories and their lives with these soldiers that I was able to get in touch with my grief over each individual loss.
Without knowing it, these letters became my bridge back to life. Through them I found a way to grieve without being overwhelmed by the deep and profound loss of my close friends. To these incredible men and women I will be eternally grateful, for without knowing it, they helped me rise out of the ashes of this disaster and empowered me, through their quiet and resilient strength, to overcome this tragedy.
May God bless each and every one of them.
Posted by: Michele at 03:01 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
Post contains 459 words, total size 3 kb.
Post contains 459 words, total size 3 kb.
1 {hug} Thanks for posting this :-)
Posted by: Harvey at December 12, 2004 01:25 PM (ubhj8)
2 I can't say it any better than Harvey, so I won't try.
Posted by: Salt1907 at December 12, 2004 01:46 PM (T8AyJ)
3 That was so beautiful. I am sorry for your losses. I hope your child is bringing you the joy you deserve.
Posted by: Rightwingsparkle at December 12, 2004 05:15 PM (qiDkw)
4 You inspired me also, because of you I have adopted soliders through Soliders Angels. You really are an inspiration to a lot of people, I am glad to know you. {{HUG}}
Posted by: Machelle at December 12, 2004 07:22 PM (74P7F)
5 What a beautiful post, written by a beautiful soul. Thank you Michele. It's good to see something from you, I've been worried, as I do know how difficult the holiday's can be - for any number of reasons. Take care - and don't forget - we're here if you need us. I have no doubt you supply as much comfort and healing to the soldiers you correspond with as they offer you. It's a wonderful thing. **Huge Hug**
Posted by: Tammi at December 12, 2004 08:57 PM (QSZLe)
6 Just checking in... [draws Michele a hot, flower-smelling, bubble-bath] You just relax for a while :-)
Posted by: Harvey at December 19, 2004 12:15 AM (ubhj8)
7 [sets down a little music box that plays "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"]
Posted by: Harvey at December 22, 2004 11:02 AM (tJfh1)
8 Merry Christmas, Michele!
Posted by: That 1 Guy at December 24, 2004 02:31 AM (bKaU5)
9 {Christmas hug}
Posted by: Harvey at December 25, 2004 11:00 AM (ubhj8)
10 Uh oh, naked blog. You ok, sweetie? CTS acting up again?
Posted by: Harvey at December 28, 2004 10:07 AM (tJfh1)
11 Damn-blasted comments spammers. Anyway, I just stopped by to give you a kiss under the mistletoe at midnight: *smooch* Happy New Year, Michele :-)
Posted by: Harvey at December 31, 2004 05:04 PM (ubhj8)
