Yesterday I was judged and made to feel that I was all kinds of wrong and unworthy of anyone's time, consideration or professional courtesy by one of my coaches. What he found wrong with me was that:
I "mother" people ['cause being kind and thoughtful was wrong]
I worry too much [asking that you text when you're running late or a no show is wrong]
I say "I'm sorry" too much [so next time I step on you I'll say something else]
I allowed myself to grieve for far too long [Wow! I didn't know grief had a timeline]
I didn't have skin cancer in 2008 it' all in your head [So I guess the biopsy & subsequent treatment I endured was all a fake huh?]
I needed to explain why I took a job where I sat all day instead a lower paying one where I was more active. [Seriously??? Do you not realize you're my employee]
I only need to look at myself in the mirror to see what my problem is…" [This negative mantra has come up in our last 2 calls as well.]
There was 1 more thing I was being "wrong" about, but by then I'd begun to emotionally shut down.
Oh yeah, the last and 9th judgment was that I "shut down" when I'm being challenged. How about that. I shut up and shut down when I'm being judged, shamed, insulted and rejected for where I currently am in my process.
So if you stumble onto this post, because you're trying to figure out how to find a good coach. the next post will show you what a good one really is Otherwise you can continue reading this post and learn how to stay away from a crazy one from day 1.
All of this was done in the space of over 90 minutes and part of it in a public setting where there was no privacy and where I felt uncomfortable and unsafe to be vulnerable or even have a dialogue much less respond, Not once was I consulted or asked about engaging in an impromptu coaching session, or engaging in a constructive conversation of where things are with my process... the insults, the judgement... it all just happened without my consent.
In retrospect, this is just an extension of what’s been going on for the last few meetings. Whenever I make a mistake you say you feel like hitting me over the head.
Sigh! It doesn’t matter that I might not know the information, or that I may have applied it incorrectly the first time, or that my learning disability requires that I acquire information by reading and not listening to instructions. Since I don’t have anything written down in front of me (because you just pull stuff out of your ass as you go along rather than prepare for our coaching session) you set up situations where I can’t recall something you've said in a phone conversation 2 weeks or 5 conversations ago. None of that matters to you, I'm supposed to KNOW this new information cold and GET things right the first time and every time thereafter. Not once have you considered that the problem might be you, your complete lack of training, your unprofessionalism, your delusions of your capabilities, knowledge and information. There has never been any review of your shortcomings in communicating and as a coach.
Sigh! It doesn’t matter that I might not know the information, or that I may have applied it incorrectly the first time, or that my learning disability requires that I acquire information by reading and not listening to instructions. Since I don’t have anything written down in front of me (because you just pull stuff out of your ass as you go along rather than prepare for our coaching session) you set up situations where I can’t recall something you've said in a phone conversation 2 weeks or 5 conversations ago. None of that matters to you, I'm supposed to KNOW this new information cold and GET things right the first time and every time thereafter. Not once have you considered that the problem might be you, your complete lack of training, your unprofessionalism, your delusions of your capabilities, knowledge and information. There has never been any review of your shortcomings in communicating and as a coach.
The only thing that DOES matter is that I made a mistake and got it wrong. Being a good sport I try to model positive coaching behavior and often turn things around in our conversations by reframing it from: “you did it wrong” to “this was simply an opportunity for to learn” That is until the next conversation where he says “when will you learn… I feel like hitting you over the head” again. Where is the spirituality? Where is the compassion? Where is the positive teaching opportunity? Nowhere! As a former teacher I know that it is rare when a student learns things the first time when you talk to them. As a former teacher I know that students learn in 4 different modalities and to be effective I have to provide the same information in each modality in order for 60% of the students to learn the lesson by the time I’m done with the class.
So when you demanded I explain “my issues” as my coach" 15 min. before the meeting ended, in public and during a conversation that I had never even consented to begin with, well, is it any wonder why I shut down. Later, on the way home, the adjectives degraded from I’m imperfect …I’m unworthy... to expand your meaning of my unworthiness… to my unworthy of your trust, your friendship because I'm a worthless human being. Never mind that in any relationship, even in a coaching one, each party has 50% of the responsibility and blame for anything that goes wrong. But do you take a look at yourself – nope – the problem is me doing all kinds of things wrong… to you, to me, to the world. Because I’m supposed to have handled my issues by now and my issues are affecting you because i'm the problem and everything that's wrong in my life and yours. What a friekin' insane narcissist!
In the last 8 months I've been coached by 3 exceptional individuals, so I know what a positive coaching relationship feels and looks like. This encounter Sunday was neither positive, nor professional let alone productive. In fact, it had the opposite effect. The last thing I wanted to do is open up and be vulnerable with someone who had just shamed, judged and insulted me.
Since I'm open-minded I wanted to double check and see what a healthy coaching relationship is supposed to be about in case my previous 3 experiences were flukes. So I scoured the professional personal coaching websites to see what a 3rd party describes as good health coaching. On youtube I found some great role models for health coaching [see my blog post]. I also found lots of great articles on what are the top characteristics of health coaches. Below is what I found at the site for the International Association of Coaching, in an article on what qualities an effective coach must possess:
- First and foremost, Empathy is central to the coaching process.
- Life/health coaching aims to draw out a person's potential rather than impose aims and knowledge from the outside.
- It develops by inspiring a person rather than imposing values or knowledge on the client.
- It reflects rather than directs.
- Effective life coaching is a form of change facilitation - it enables and empowers people to create change in their own lives, and not being directed to change externally.
- Life coaching is reactive and flexible - it allows for personal transition on an individual basis, meaning that a client grows gently at their own pace and not on the coach's timeline.
- Finally and most importantly, coaching makes no assumptions - it is not and MUST NOT be judgmental nor prescriptive.
Well, I didn't feel any empathy or compassion, nor did I feel supported or cared for on Sunday. Instead, I felt judged, shamed and made to feel I was all kinds of wrong and definitely not enough – because my hips thighs and ass are not where they should be and after 5 weeks I am not a size zero, because a size 12 is not good enough for you. That was clearly pointed out 3 times (I stopped counting after that). Then he wondered why I shut down emotionally and wouldn't continue talking and later stopped taking your calls. I have never had anyone relate to me doing such a negative inventory. The sad part, they didn't see/hear how judgmental they were being in their face, body language, tone and words.
Only a crazy person would volunteer for this level of abuse. I only wish I had a video of the encounter for 2 reasons: First, I would be able to play it back for you, perhaps then he would see what I saw and heard, a person who is mentally maladjusted and is clinically narcissistic. I shared your voice mail messages and emails with a mental health professional and a coaching professional and here's what they both said: you're mentally unstable and I should first file a restraining order and then fire you.
These individuals not only have copies of those emails and voice mail recordings, they have all your contact information. If anything happens to me you will be pulled into court and thrown in jail so fast you won't know what hit you.
So this is me telling YOU.... YOU'RE FIRED!!!!
Only a crazy person would volunteer for this level of abuse. I only wish I had a video of the encounter for 2 reasons: First, I would be able to play it back for you, perhaps then he would see what I saw and heard, a person who is mentally maladjusted and is clinically narcissistic. I shared your voice mail messages and emails with a mental health professional and a coaching professional and here's what they both said: you're mentally unstable and I should first file a restraining order and then fire you.
These individuals not only have copies of those emails and voice mail recordings, they have all your contact information. If anything happens to me you will be pulled into court and thrown in jail so fast you won't know what hit you.
So this is me telling YOU.... YOU'RE FIRED!!!!
