The Power of Love

Love is an incredibly powerful force. It has its own energy and life span and can outlive the bonds with those we love.

Meeting this incredibile man recently has made me think of my very first grown up love.

My first true grown up love was and incredibly beautiful and powerful love that had a force and an energy all its own. Its hard to put into words how incredibly perfect it was. I’ve never spoken of Jack to anyone because the huge solid lump in my throat would prevent me from speaking his name, let alone me sharing about him or our time together. Even now, tears still flow as I write and think of him. I can still vividly recall the moment we first met, what we wore, what we said, how we felt (though the intensity of the emotions have faded considerably over these past 20 years). There are times I remember awkward funny moments that our self-consciousness produced very early on, which gave way to a growing strong and abiding love.

For a very long time I believed he was my one and only soul mate. But he, being older and wiser, kept insisting, especially as his cancer progressed, that I would love again and eventually find another wonderful soul mate. Being 20, I felt I had already lived a lifetime. so I never knew whether to believe him or not. I figured either way time would tell, but I didn't think it could ever be possible for me to have what we had a 2nd time around.

This past summer I had a lot of time to think about the kinds of love I have experienced in my lifetime and the kind of love I now want to have in my life. For the first time I had the courage to think back on the kind of love Jack and I shared, and reflect on what made it work and what was lacking, so I could be clear about the kind of love I want to experience in the future.

Funny how it took me to be in my mid 40’s to learn love is not an accident. Meeting someone, and experiencing a connection with them is, but true love is something that evolves slowly over time. True love exists when you deeply care, not only what happens to that person, but loving them in spite of their shortcoming and through every challenge they experience. True love doesn't fade in their absence, or with sickness, and is supposed to remain steadfast in health. When you truly love it holds steadfast whether you grow richer or poorer, and irregardlessly of your lives getting better or worse.

Saying “I do” doesn’t make true love so. True love is a state that exists way before the “I do’s”. It’s when both individuals are willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work, thrive, and grow, and you’re not afraid of self-sacrifice or hard work, because the rewards from it are so incredibly worth the sacrifice.

I bumped into Jack’s parents this summer. After years of marriage they were still holding hands as they walked down the street. We recognized each other and immediately began talking and catching up on the missing decades, as people so often do in this city.

Afterwards, as I watched them slowly walk away, hand in hand, I realized what a gift Jack had been in my life. In loving me, he taught me how to truly love. And to truly love someone is to do so openly, honestly and without manipulation, with caring, patience and understanding; with commitment for the other's well being as well as their own. It is loving with passion, respect and vulnerability; all while deferring self-centered desires for the greater good, which is always the relationship.

Jack, what a blessing and a great teacher you were. Thank you! And I finally believe your prediction was right. I finally believe I have found my other soul mate. His smile and laughter are already in my heart, filling the space that you opened up for him to fill. Thank you!

Mon Cher, do I love you?

“Do I love you because you're beautiful, or are you beautiful because I love you? Am I making believe I see in you, a [man] too perfect to be really true? Do I want you because you're wonderful, or are you wonderful because I want you? Are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream, or are you really as beautiful as you seem?” 

~ Oscar Hammerstein II

I Cried For You

Pt. 2 - Intimate Interlude

There is something that happens to the rest of the world when you meet that special someone you strongly connect with. For awhile, the noisy intrusive world that surrounds us ceases to exist. Time seems to stand still, when in fact it steals away precious minutes from new found lovers. The world shrinks to encompass only them and nothing and no one else exists in their little world. Sleep, hunger, comfort, all are sacrificed just to linger for a moment longer with that special someone. Early on in their meetings, that special someone's presence and closeness is all they need and want for nourishment.

But what most of us don't realize when looking at that special someone, is that we really don't see what's before us. No, instead what we see is all that we wish to see and hope to find in another. What is before us is often a magical illusion of all our hopes and dreams. Anything beyond that is ignored for the sake of maintaining the wonderful fantasy just a little while longer. So we can have that love high be just a little sweeter.

That was the Svengali-like effect he had on me. Nothing existed within my sight except his beautiful smile, his heavenly eyes and his heart-melting sexy voice. He too was just as attentive and eager to learn about me as I was about him.

At one point he was sharing this story about himself babysitting his younger nephew. As a mom, I couldn't help but think that his story of learning to be an uncle and of the manly 5 second rule (for food that falls on a floor) were a bit gross and did not reflect the incredibly sophisticated and attractive man that was before me. I couldn't help but unconsciously respond by making a strange face.

Stopping mid-story he asks: “What’s wrong?”

Though I hesitated at first I went ahead and asked, “"Do you always tell this story to women you’re trying to impress?”"

"“Uh… yes”. Why?"

"“No wonder you’re still single. That’s story makes you seem so.. so… .... sooo unlayable right now... it’s just not funny!"”

His shock at my frankness caused him initially to gasp then pause, before letting out the biggest raucous heartfelt laughter I’ve ever heard from a man. I too was shocked at hearing my honest thoughts escaping my mouth, and laughed.

When he finally composed himself, he confessed to me that no one had ever told him that it was such an unappealing story.

“Well honey, someone needs to tell you the truth… and often. Otherwise the next thing you’ll go around believing is that you’re handsome, and we can’t have you going around believing that falsehood.”

Here again he laughed heartily too. I enjoyed making him laugh because he had the most wonderfully infectious laughter and the most heart-warming smile I had ever seen.

Yes, each second of those 2 hours and 45 minutes were nothing like I had ever experienced before in my ife... they were truly magical.

Pt. 1 - The Meeting

While descending the stairs at Penn Station I was glad to see that my Amtrak train bound for DC had not yet arrived. Reaching the bottom of the steps I excused myself, to get the attention of 2 gentleman blocking my path onto the platform.

As they apologized I could not help but stare at the one gentleman who turned to face me. For a moment I thought I had run into my best friend, but knew that to be impossible since he had just left for a long secret vacation at some unknown resort with some mystery woman. I smiled broadly thinking to myself, how am I ever going to explain my staring, to this handsome gentleman standing before me?

“Pardon me” I finally say to him, who is by now returning my smile, ”I must tell you that I believe you have a twin brother in Georgia”

Shaking his head while smiling broadly he laughingly says, “That has got to be THE worst pick up line I have ever heard!” I was instantly captivated by his honeyed northern Virginia drawl. And yet, I couldn'’t help but laugh heartily, both at his presumption and clever response.

As I laughed I realized I still couldn'’t stop staring at him, which made me both very self-conscious and caused my breathing to quicken. I was just mesmerized by his deep intent gaze into my own eyes. I think it is so sexy when a man is confident enough to look straight into my eyes and hold my gaze. Thinking at that moment was impossible, but I needed to say something to the man standing so closely before me, awaiting patiently for a response. Amidst our silence, I felt his Svengali-like power begin to take hold of me.

Momentarily looking away I gathered all my courage to speak honestly. Smiling shyly as I looked back at him once again, I finally whispered, “I’m sorry… your beautiful green eyes have mesmerized me and I can’t think of anything to say.”

As he continued to hold my gaze, I could sense his surprise. “"Wow…! that is the most honest come back line I’ have ever heard!”"

I truly don’t remember what he said next, for I was completely lost in the beautiful sea of green that were still controlling me. I do remember thinking about halfway through our trip, as we continued to talk, “Wow, he’s funny, intelligent, interesting, charming, well traveled, self-confident and handsome, with a great body to boot… I finally have before me the man of my dreams. Oh Lord, I think I'm in deep trouble here… If he’s meant to be in my life please Lord, let me know the right thing to say.“

Battle Weary - A Work in Healing

Battle Weary - A Work in Healing

My battle weary body
collapses... tired.
Sleep escaping...
sad thoughts
circling,
torturing,
punishing,
like a train
aiming for
my brain.

I’m gripped,
by age old fears,
while shedding tears
through grief-filled years
that never end.

If only this were:
… a bad dream;
… a tired scream
that’s dying
from within.

But it’s not, it’s
…a hurting soul
…that's not yet whole
Paying,
a high price,
in life & thoughts
for caring
and loving
when it should have not.

Its new pain…
like an old refrain
playing endlessly
without restrain.

Comfort can’t be found
in memories,
nor in those that live
for they so easily
can deceive.

Instead,
I turn to God,
my source of all,
who provides,
healing love,
and patience
from above.

~ me ~

Thoughts on 9/11

Two months ago, as I was doing research for a story I was writing, I visited an old post on a website, where the blogger asked his readers how they made sure they remembered or observed 9/11. To me it was an unsettling survey and some of the cavaliar comments “about getting over it already” were even more disturbing (that's why I'm not linking to them). It was all very hard to read, especially after learning that earlier that week none of the local tv stations were going to broadcast the memorial services for 9/11.

As I began to read one of the comments (which I have posted below), I found it both relatable and somehow very familiar. I was truly stunned, when I got to the end and discovered who the comment author was.

"Just reading these comments surprises me. Those of us that survived and also lost loved ones that day don't have to remember. We have lived with it every day without respite. Yes the pain is duller and the compelling grief that tugs at your heartstrings and the corners of your memories is less intense, but the memories are pervasive and still linger close to everything I do."

"It's the first automatic thought I have as I emerge from the subway and look up on clear blue sky days. It's the thought that returns during my early morning Tuesday conference call in a new conference room facing that spacial ghost that lingers in my mind's eye, as I look at the downtown skyline. It's immediately and urgently brought back with every fire drill, group of ambulances, fire engines or police cars that go by with sirens blaring, as they head downtown."

"It's in the ever present silence and absence of my loved ones during every milestone, celebration or heartache I experience, making each occasion more poignant for their absence."

"No, I don't need reminders of 9/11 for I am a living, breathing, reminder of survival on that day."
Posted by michele on August 23, 2004 12:48 AM

Even after all these years, on some days that'’s exactly how I feel. I will be at a private service tomorrow, remembering friends who died saving others on that day, who never came home.

For me, there will always be plenty of reminders of 9/11. Reminders from those who continuously tell us how much we are hated and reminders from those how have sworn to annihilate us. In NYC we’ve already endured, 3 dirty bomb scares in one month. In one particular instance, I walked out of my office building for lunch to encounter hazmat clad police officers with a huge chemical “sniffer” on the back of a flat bed truck. At the moment I encountered this scene my first thought was “I’m glad I’ve told everyone I love how I feel about them, because I can now go in peace.”

I hope you take a moment each day to feel grateful that you are alive and that you can touch, laugh with, hug and kiss each and every one of your loved ones. This life is a gift, please don’t take it for granted. May God continue to bless us all.

State of my state

Hey there! Hope you’'re all well. I’ve been visiting my top 50 blogs through my cell and seeing the amusing, fun, interesting, heartwarming stuff you all have posted. I’m still keeping VW, RSM, JON and a few other special people in my thoughts and prayers as they go through their physical/health challenges. I’ve been through my own this past year, sometimes even doubled-up when I was undergoing chemotherapy while dealing with torn ligaments in my knees that left me on crutches for months. I know it can'’t compare to your own personal trials but what I have to share from my own experience is that if you  hang in there, relying on your faith, your relationship with your creator and find daily inspiration for a positive outlook, you’ll have the ability to have a more positive outcome. A decade ago when I had my first bout of cancer if found Louise Hay to be a very inspiring author. From her I found others. So if you’re going through anything that’s challenging your spirit, I encourage you to search online for positive inspiration or re-explore your faith again. There’s plenty of support and resources online so I hope if you need you’ll use them to get through any bump in your road.

As for me, I'm currently back in physical therapy almost 2 hrs per day, in order to finish the rehab on my knee and move back into the gym. Wooohoooo! At the same time I'm busy going through an intensive professional development course which is FRIEKIN AWESOME! Of course the goal-setting workshop kicked my butt this week because I didn’t anticipate that we would be taking THREE DAYS to envision everything I would like to see in my professional life for the next TWENTY YEARS. Now please understand, I’m psyched about this because these are all my professional hopes and dreams that were tucked in the back of my head but never allowed to see the light of day. Why? They were small thoughts based on a fearful life that didn't dare to dream. And folks, this time I was not only given permission to dream, I went out there full forced and dared to dream... BIG!

This Trainer/Coach is so good I decided to take and pay for a personal development class with him. Unfortunately, I didn’t know it at the time of signing up, but the classes overlap for about 2 weeks. At first the overachiever in me thought: “ahh, I’ll be able to manage.” Now, I’m not so sure I can do both classes justice. All I can do is try because I really want to take these 2 courses now. This guy isn’t always in NYC and the timing for these courses in my life is perfect.

You see I'’ve always had a lot of dreams. When I was 25 and diagnosed with cancer the first time around I made a list of the top 50 things I wanted to accomplish in my life. The first 10 or most important to me I decided to accomplish prior to starting chemo. In fact I deferred chemo for 4 weeks because I wanted to have something to think about and feel good about during the throwing up, loosing my hair, skin looking gray, not wanting to continue on days. The accomplishment of those 10 things were my carrots/my evidence that dangled before my eyes for my future life and my drive for remaining an active participant in my recovery so that I could accomplish the remaining 40 things by age 40.

By age 35, I was blessed by God with having the opportunities to accomplish 48 of the 50 goals on that original list. When I was 40 I completed the last 2. This past April, when I was diagnosed with skin cancer, I quickly did a top 10 list of things I wanted God to bless me with the opportunity to see, do, have in the following year. It was tough at times, especially after my knee injury, but God making the way, I forged ahead and I recently accomplished my 10th! Wooohoooo! So I knew I needed a new set of goals that would help me continue my forward momentum. And this instructor, well, he dares me to not only dream, because God didn't put us on this earth to do just a few things but to do great things (whether small or big) in his name. So this time I dared to dream like I’ve never dreamed before. He asks me to visualize my dreams and how they would look like in my life, with no impediments such as fear stopping me. There’s more, and the course its a lot more intense, but that is just plain awesome. No one has ever dared me to dream and aim way high! High enough to reach the sky for God's guidance and blessing. No one! And so he has shown me that my track record of accomplishing my small dreams are proof that I cannot only dream big, but that God will show me ways to accomplish the big dreams too, if they're his will. Which means... me eventually leaving NYC (you know I’ve kidded about this before but it’s a dream of mine) and finding a wonderful community to live and work, where I can raise my son to be a happy values oriented kid. Woohooo! Can you tell I’m psyched?

So I’m looking at a schedule that looks a little bit like this:

5:30am – 7:00am – Physical Therapy via Skype
7:00am – 8:00am – Make breakfast (pack lunch) get son and I ready for our days
8:00am – 9:00am – Travel to drop off son at camp/continue on to work
9:00am – 10:00am – Get as much stuff done as possible before Prof. Dev. Class
10:00am – 11:00am – Professional Development Class
11:00am – 4:45pm – Work \hard to get all issues resolved & squeeze in 20 min of PT
4:45pm – 7:00pm – Travel to and take classes then take a cab home
7:15pm – 8:30pm – Catch up w/son and sitter, spend time focusing on son & get him ready for next day and bed
8:30pm – 10:00pm –House work, meal prep for bkfast, lunch & dinner as I eat dinner
10:00am – 1:00am – Do homeowork for class, shower and crash in my bed

In order to achieve this I’ve had to adjust my nutrition and increase protein, calcium, etc. to support the extra activity. So far so good, I’ve been on this schedule for 2 weeks now and it’s held up well. The truth is I'’ve not slept this good, been this driven, nor been this excited about life since before 9/11 when my beloved friends and I were all training for the NYC Marathon.

What do I attribute all this change to? Your total steadfast support, your unconditional love and you guys cheering for me until I was able to once again cheer for myself and cheer you guys on right back. You have helped me heal in ways I never thought were possible. And the most awesome part of this process is that I am a better person than I was prior to 9/11. God bless you all for being such an integral catalyst in my growth and I promise to be back as soon as I’m done!

Oh one of my personal goals that I intend to put down on my list and accomplish over the next 3 years is to attend at least 1 blog meet and make a few personal visits to some awesome bloggers out there. So, look out! I just may be headed your way by the end of the summer!

BTW, comments are still closed 'cause in this kingdom I choose not to deal with scum of the earth spammers. But thank you for stopping bye, for your incredible support and for sticking by me through the quiet blogless periods.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
~ Jeremiah 29:11