Battle Weary - A Work in Healing

Battle Weary - A Work in Healing

My battle weary body
collapses... tired.
Sleep escaping...
sad thoughts
circling,
torturing,
punishing,
like a train
aiming for
my brain.

I’m gripped,
by age old fears,
while shedding tears
through grief-filled years
that never end.

If only this were:
… a bad dream;
… a tired scream
that’s dying
from within.

But it’s not, it’s
…a hurting soul
…that's not yet whole
Paying,
a high price,
in life & thoughts
for caring
and loving
when it should have not.

Its new pain…
like an old refrain
playing endlessly
without restrain.

Comfort can’t be found
in memories,
nor in those that live
for they so easily
can deceive.

Instead,
I turn to God,
my source of all,
who provides,
healing love,
and patience
from above.

~ me ~

Thoughts on 9/11

Two months ago, as I was doing research for a story I was writing, I visited an old post on a website, where the blogger asked his readers how they made sure they remembered or observed 9/11. To me it was an unsettling survey and some of the cavaliar comments “about getting over it already” were even more disturbing (that's why I'm not linking to them). It was all very hard to read, especially after learning that earlier that week none of the local tv stations were going to broadcast the memorial services for 9/11.

As I began to read one of the comments (which I have posted below), I found it both relatable and somehow very familiar. I was truly stunned, when I got to the end and discovered who the comment author was.

"Just reading these comments surprises me. Those of us that survived and also lost loved ones that day don't have to remember. We have lived with it every day without respite. Yes the pain is duller and the compelling grief that tugs at your heartstrings and the corners of your memories is less intense, but the memories are pervasive and still linger close to everything I do."

"It's the first automatic thought I have as I emerge from the subway and look up on clear blue sky days. It's the thought that returns during my early morning Tuesday conference call in a new conference room facing that spacial ghost that lingers in my mind's eye, as I look at the downtown skyline. It's immediately and urgently brought back with every fire drill, group of ambulances, fire engines or police cars that go by with sirens blaring, as they head downtown."

"It's in the ever present silence and absence of my loved ones during every milestone, celebration or heartache I experience, making each occasion more poignant for their absence."

"No, I don't need reminders of 9/11 for I am a living, breathing, reminder of survival on that day."
Posted by michele on August 23, 2004 12:48 AM

Even after all these years, on some days that'’s exactly how I feel. I will be at a private service tomorrow, remembering friends who died saving others on that day, who never came home.

For me, there will always be plenty of reminders of 9/11. Reminders from those who continuously tell us how much we are hated and reminders from those how have sworn to annihilate us. In NYC we’ve already endured, 3 dirty bomb scares in one month. In one particular instance, I walked out of my office building for lunch to encounter hazmat clad police officers with a huge chemical “sniffer” on the back of a flat bed truck. At the moment I encountered this scene my first thought was “I’m glad I’ve told everyone I love how I feel about them, because I can now go in peace.”

I hope you take a moment each day to feel grateful that you are alive and that you can touch, laugh with, hug and kiss each and every one of your loved ones. This life is a gift, please don’t take it for granted. May God continue to bless us all.