2004 in Review

Happy New Year to all...

and to all a good night.

Last year at this time I was knocking on my neighbor's doors with a sleepy child in my arms letting them know there was a fire in the building. What a way to start the new year. The highlights of my year were:

March: My manuscript almost finished, I focused on cleaning it up by working with 2 other writers in getting feedback in 2 trouble spots.

April: I was assaulted at work by a crazy temp they hired at work.

May: My hands began to bother me so one of my writer friends offered to transcribe my dictations of the final edits to my manuscript.

June: I was out of commission from blogging, letter writing, and my creative writing and out from work on short term leave after being slammed with spam, viruses and DOS. Being sidlined from a digital life made me climb the walls of idleness.

July: Got back online and back to work after being out 8 weeks, only to discover all the data on my pc was gone, hard copies of documents lost, and my desk and projects in shambles. My house was in shambles too as the major part of the restoration from the fire was underway. My book was shelved until things in my life could get back to normal.

August: It was my son's 5th birthday and I had lots of fun planning and throwing his party after my home was almost back to normal.

September: My hands were still a problem, so I took vacation time. This time I enjoyed myself in the process by seeing lots and lots of movies and handwriting letters to all my soldiers.

October and November: These 2 months were crazy busy months at work and actually became a blur of activity.

December: Missing my deceased friends, I decided to finish the book and get it out to publishers so that I could share my memory of them with others. After failing to contact the writers that had volunteered to help me with the edits, I learned the book was submitted under their names and accepted for publishing. After many weeks of intense negotiation, I learned from my lawyer that because I didn't mail a copyrighted copy of the manuscript to myself my claim of authorship cannot be legally proved.

On the bright side, (not!) I received a promotion at work with a hefty pay raise, which comes with more responsibilities and more people to deal and work with. After much thought about all the positives and negatives of my job I decided to turn in my resignation today, which will become effective on 4-1-05.

As for my book, I was furious at first. Even thought of possible means of revenge, but have since calmed down. I believe in Karmic principles, so I know these ladies will get theirs soon enough! Because my lawyer never gave up and did raise enough enough doubts, the publisher has put off publishing the book for now. We will see what happens with it in the end.

As for blogging and writing? I will wait till I get better before coming back to write here about my musings. I will write from time to time. But if I'm to get better, I have to be a good little girl and stay off the keyboard as much as possible. This means not visiting my favorite sites including those of my blog family and friends.

Family: Although I may be in a digital void, you will remain in my heart and mind. I will especially miss my blog dad, Harvey and Sgt. Hook. They are special people those two.

H: Thanks for being such a terrific, and faithful supporter. You always managed to put a smile on my face during my sad or tired days.

Sgt: You are indeed an awesome and impressive man, and I'm referring to your character. As for your writing, I will miss it the most, for you continually inspired me through your own incredible writing. You will remain in my prayers until you return home to your loved ones.

One last note: at present I'm helping Catholic Relief Services, an organization I did relief work for, many years ago. They have sent every available body overseas to help with the tragedy in Asia and so I'm helping out, organizationally and planning wise, from NY. I can't stress enough how this area will need our support in the years to come. My fervent prayer for this New Year is that somehow the survivors of the So. Asian tragedy are able to find solace and a reason to go on with their lives in the days ahead. I hope they are encouraged by the support the world is showing them and I hope the support continues until their lives are restored.

Till we meet in the D-space I am sending electronic (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) to you all. 

Christmas Past

Christmas of 2001 was pretty non-existent for me. I was still numb from the loss of 6 close life long friends in the attack of the World Trade Center. I was so numb I was silent. It wasn't anything that I planned, it just happened that way after the people that I called, spoke to and emailed daily were gone.

That numbness helped me cope with the gaping wound that had been created in my heart from all my loss. It enabled me to show up at work, take care of my young son and function on a daily basis. To help me forget about Christmas that year, I decided to use my 4 weeks of vacation and return to Asia with my son and live amongst Buddhists, where Christmas isn't celebrated. It was the only way I knew to breach the void I felt.

Throughout 2002, I attended memorial services for 4 of my friends who had been identified through DNA. My numbness enabled me to plan memorial services for 2 of them and to be of support to their families. As the holidays approached numbness gave way to a slow emerging grief. Ironically, it was the ones who were identified who I mostly grieved over. I guess my heart and mind were still refusing to accept what was evident and instead I clung to the hope of a miracle.

Although I traveled for business over the Thanksgiving holiday that year, I stayed home for Christmas. I eventually forced myself to buy a few presents and put up a small tree for my toddler's benefit, but the sadness kept me from venturing out of my cocoon, even for services

By Christmas of 2003 only my oldest and dearest friend remained to be identified and honored in a memorial service. A good deal of my numbness had slipped away thanks to my writing about my wonderful friends to some new friends that were deployed in Afghanistan and Iraq. In my letters to these wonderful soldiers I shared fond memories and they shared with me about their loved ones. It was in sharing my memories and their lives with these soldiers that I was able to get in touch with my grief over each individual loss.

Without knowing it, these letters became my bridge back to life. Through them I found a way to grieve without being overwhelmed by the deep and profound loss of my close friends. To these incredible men and women I will be eternally grateful, for without knowing it, they helped me rise out of the ashes of this disaster and empowered me, through their quiet and resilient strength, to overcome this tragedy.

May God bless each and every one of them. 

Posted by: Michele at 03:01 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
Post contains 459 words, total size 3 kb.

1 {hug} Thanks for posting this :-)

Posted by: Harvey at December 12, 2004 01:25 PM (ubhj8)

2 I can't say it any better than Harvey, so I won't try.

Posted by: Salt1907 at December 12, 2004 01:46 PM (T8AyJ)

3 That was so beautiful. I am sorry for your losses. I hope your child is bringing you the joy you deserve.

Posted by: Rightwingsparkle at December 12, 2004 05:15 PM (qiDkw)

4 You inspired me also, because of you I have adopted soliders through Soliders Angels. You really are an inspiration to a lot of people, I am glad to know you. {{HUG}}

Posted by: Machelle at December 12, 2004 07:22 PM (74P7F)

5 What a beautiful post, written by a beautiful soul. Thank you Michele. It's good to see something from you, I've been worried, as I do know how difficult the holiday's can be - for any number of reasons. Take care - and don't forget - we're here if you need us. I have no doubt you supply as much comfort and healing to the soldiers you correspond with as they offer you. It's a wonderful thing. **Huge Hug**

Posted by: Tammi at December 12, 2004 08:57 PM (QSZLe)

6 Just checking in... [draws Michele a hot, flower-smelling, bubble-bath] You just relax for a while :-)

Posted by: Harvey at December 19, 2004 12:15 AM (ubhj8)

7 [sets down a little music box that plays "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"]

Posted by: Harvey at December 22, 2004 11:02 AM (tJfh1)

8 Merry Christmas, Michele!

Posted by: That 1 Guy at December 24, 2004 02:31 AM (bKaU5)

9 {Christmas hug}

Posted by: Harvey at December 25, 2004 11:00 AM (ubhj8)

10 Uh oh, naked blog. You ok, sweetie? CTS acting up again?

Posted by: Harvey at December 28, 2004 10:07 AM (tJfh1)

11 Damn-blasted comments spammers. Anyway, I just stopped by to give you a kiss under the mistletoe at midnight: *smooch* Happy New Year, Michele :-)

Posted by: Harvey at December 31, 2004 05:04 PM (ubhj8)

Our Family & House Rules

In This Family:

1. We follow the 10 Commandments. Especially the commandments about not lying/cheating, envying/jealousy, and disrespecting parents/elders.
2. We love, honor, respect and pray for each another.
3. We tell the truth always.
4. We consider one another's interests ahead of our own.
5. We speak quietly and respectfully with one another.
6. We do not hurt one another with unkind words or actions.
7. When someone needs correction, we correct him in love.
8. When someone is sorry, we forgive them.
9. When someone is sad, we comfort them.
10. When someone is happy, we rejoice with them.
11. When we have something nice to share, we share it.
12. When we have work to do, we do it without complaining.
13. We take good care of everything God has given us.
14. We do not create unnecessary work for others; it's called being conscientious.
15. When we go out, we act just as if we were in this house or church.
16. When we disobey or forget any of our family or rules of this house, we accept the discipline of our parents and elders.

Because my son's social filter is still not fully operational at age 5, his total honesty, under Rule #3, has gotten me into trouble a few times. Sigh! All I can do is smile, bite the bullet, and apologize for his rudeness. Once he went so far as to say "Excuse me mommy but I wasn't being rude, I was being truthful." Five years old and already dealing in semantics.

House Rules: In This Place:
1. We walk calmly from room to room and do not run, jump, skip, hop, or throw things around.
2. We go to speak directly to a person in the room they are in, instead of yelling at them.
3. We do the chores that are assigned to us daily as soon as we can.
4. We respect everyone'’s property and pets, and touch things that don’'t belong to us ONLY when given permission.
5. When called, we answer “Yes” and go to the person directly.
6. We let other’s know how we are feeling and let them know if we are: upset, unhappy, sad, frustrated or angry. No one understands silence or frowns.
7. We write or draw only on paper or art materials.
8. When we open something, we close it.
9. When we turn something on, we turn it off.
10. When we take something out, we put it away as soon as we’re done.
11. When we make a mess, we clean it up.
12. When we don't know what to do, or if we need help, we ask a grown-up we know for help.

Eeyore

Dealing with a flare up of Carpel Tunnel and colleagues so obnoxious they defy the norms of social behavior. So today my mood is reflective of the character Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh stories.

I'm hoping my mood improves and I'm able to see Bridget Jones/Colin Firth movie this weekend!

I feel so drained by the antics of several petulant children at work, that when I went to meet a former co-worker for lunch today, at one point I became amazed by the intelligent conversation we were having. We were discussing Christian monasticism and Indian mysticism's influence on Sufism. That really made my day. Thank you God for scattering brilliant people throughout our planet. 

Guess How Much I Love You?

There's a story book that I like to read to little children entitled: Guess How Much I Love You. It's a book that Amy gave me when I was recovering from cancer at age 25. My biggest worry at that time was whether or not I would be able to have children after undergoing radiation and chemotherapy. The book was meant to inspire me and help me think positively about my future.

After The Cat in the Hat, which I know by heart, this book is my favorite. There was a young marine who I used to write to who's innocence and strength of conviction reminded me a great deal of Little Nut Brown Hare, the main character in that book. After corresponding with him while he was in Iraq, I was glad to hear the news that he was finally home in Long Island. For me it meant that one more Marine had done his duty and was now safely home.

After he returned, our communication dwindled and we lost touch when I was going through my battle with carpel tunnel, my computer getting infected and my website getting hijacked.

Several days ago, as I was doing my daily walkabout on the net, I came across his name in the most unlikeliest of places, on a French website that I visit daily. In disbelief I followed the link to where I discovered that not only had 1Lt. Ronald Winchester gone back to Iraq for a second tour of duty (after serving 7 months), but I learned that 8 days into his second tour he was killed by a roadside explosion while he patrolled on foot outside of Baghdad. He was my fist soldier correspondent to be killed in action. My heart still reeling from 9/11, was scattered to pieces once again.

In the storybook Little Nut Brown Hare talks about how much he loved Big Nut Brown Hare and goes through several wonderful motions to show how much he loves him. Ron loved our country very much, and he showed us how much with his untiring dedication and willingness to serve, remaining positive and extending his hand to Iraqi's throughout his time there.

In the end, Little Nut, while being held tenderly in Big Nut Brown's arms, falls asleep. Big Nut Brown Hare then places the sleeping Little Nut gently on a patch of soft green grass for the night. That's how I want to remember Ron, sleeping peacefully on a patch of soft green grass.

Ronnie, may you rest in peace. I'll remember you forever, and just in case you didn’t know it, "I love you to the moon and back."

2001 - 9/11

Two thousand one, nine eleven

Five thousand plus arrive in heaven

As they pass through the gate,

Thousands more appear in wait

A resplendent man with haloed hat

Steps forward saying, "Lets sit, lets chat"

They settle down in seats of clouds

A greeting angel calls names aloud

Groups of soldiers in blue and gray

Others in khaki and green then say

"We're from Bull Run, Yorktown, the Maine"

The Newcomer said, "You died not in vain."

From a man on sticks one could hear

"The only thing we have to fear.

The Newcomer said, "We know the rest,

Trust us sir, we've passed that test."

"Courage doesn't hide in caves

You can't bury freedom, in a grave,"

The Newcomers had heard this voice before

A distinct Yankees twang from Hyannisport shores.

A silence fell within the mist

Somehow the Newcomer knew that this

Meant time had come for her to say

What was in the hearts of the five thousand plus that day.

"Back on Earth, we wrote reports,

Watched our children play in sports

Worked our gardens, sang our songs

Went to church and clipped coupons

We smiled, we laughed, we cried, we fought

Unlike you, great we're not"

The tall man in the stovepipe hat

Stood and said, "Don't talk like that!

Look at your country, look and see

You died for freedom, just like me."

Then, before them all appeared a scene

Of rubbled streets and twisted beams

Death, destruction, smoke and dust

And people working just 'cause they must

Hauling ash, lifting stones,

Knee deep in hell, but not alone

"Look!  Blackman, Whiteman, Brownman, Yellowman

Side by side helping their fellow man!"

So said Martin, as he watched the scene

"Even from nightmares, can be born a dream."

Down below three firemen raised

The colors high into ashen haze

The soldiers above had seen it before

On Iwo Jima back in '44

The man on sticks studied everything closely

Then shared his perceptions on what he saw mostly

"I see pain, I see tears, I see sorrow - but I don't see fear."

"You left behind husbands and wives

Daughters and sons and so many lives

Are suffering now because of this wrong

But look very closely.  You're not really gone.

All of those people, even those who've never met you

All of their lives, they'll never forget you

Don't you see what has happened?

Don't you see what you've done?

You've brought them together, together as one."

With that the greeting the angel said

"Take my hand," and from there he led

a legion of Five thousand souls,

New angels to heaven and heroes to all. 

anonymous 11/12/01

Going Under

My NU Home

Apologies for any filth that might have been here while my site was hijacked. Some kind digital neighbors used their mad tech skills to help recreate my posts at a new home.  I vow this will be the first and only time this happens to me!  

I'm now living at: Letters from NYC

Can Bloggers really make a difference?

For those of you, who like me love Florida, know someone living there. or have family living there, they are in great need of assistance.

Having lived in the caribbean and knowing first hand the devastation to the environment and to one's life that occurs from a hurricane, I'd like to use this forum to ask that you consider helping those greatly affected by donating to the American Red Cross. In that way Floridians can receive immediate assistance in an organized and effective manner.

You've only seen limited coverage in the news about the devastation becaues the McGreevey affair, the Olympics and the Najaf Offensive are competing with Florida in the headlines.

If you want to see/know more please visit the Orlando Sentinel or the St. Petersburg Times websites. Walk a mile in their shoes and consider how you might be able to help. As one Florida (now homeless) Arcadia resident said: "this is a loss of enormous proportions, but it helps to know that there are people that care and want to help.

Update: Via Sgt. Hook, is a link to the Command Post's efforts in helping Floridians more directly by organizing bloggers across the web. If you're a blogger or a websurfer, interested in joining the efforts across the digital landscape, or you simply wish to make a more localized impact, go to Strengthen The Good. There you will see how bloggers are getting organized and directing readers and other bloggers efforts, in finding local Florida charities giving help by spreading the word. I've already reached out to help, I hope you do too.

Let's show everyone we can really make a difference!

Thanks!

Cosas/Things by Gabriela Mistral

Cosas

Pienso en umbral donde deje
pasos alegres que ya no llevo,
y en el umbral veo una llaga
llena de musgo y de silencio.

Me busco un verso que he perdido,
que a los siete años me dijeron.
Fue una mujer haciendo el pan
y yo su santa boca veo.

        Things [my own translation]

I think of a threshold where I left
happier paths no longer tread,
and the footprints now seen
are full of moss and silence.

I look for a verse that is lost,
which at seven was told to me.
It was a woman making her bread
and her blessed mouth I still see.

==============================================

Posted by: Michele at 01:34 AM | Comments (1) |
Post contains 113 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Well, I torture Harvey when he posts a poem, so let's see what I can come up with here ... Things [my own version] I remember a home I visited in the past I've not been back yet these memories last, The address and street I still recall but I wonder if the house still stands at all. The things I learned there, the experiences we shared. It was so fleeting - I've left it behind, yet so permanent it all is in my mind.
Posted by: _Jon at August 14, 2004 09:29 AM (RZ4Hy)